sensei ^^

closed

nothing to say :)

deactivating !!! :\..totally exhausted

i have deactivated my FB account since last thrusday .. and i was going to type how everyday passed ..but this didn't matter anyway.. coz i don't feel anything ..i don't miss my FB ..well i miss it a little .. but not to reactivate it sooner...

so i feel so sorry for the people i made them to worry ..or sad ..or wtever ..
i'm really sorry ..it maybe selfish thing to just think about myself
that's why i'm deeply sorry

i;m afraid i won't be able to come back b4 the end of April ..
coz i really need this ..need to use my time more wisely
it's just 2 months to final exams...i'm lost ..
i need a real recharging my powers ..feel so powerless ..
i need to study for my last chance ...it's only 2 months left ..
i should be stronger and fight all this distraction
i decided to just focus on my studies 4 the coming 3 months ..
i don't care ..it's just 3 months , not along time ..and i really have to help myself
i can't ask anyone for help , not easy for me ...
although i haven't done anything yet ..but still i hope i'll do better tomorrow
i want to do it better this time .. it's just for my sake ..
its time to do something for me ..i've been so careless about myself for years
i don;t want to do any mistakes ..

i hate to regret ..i don't want to regret it later
that i was able to do something & i didn't work hard for it
no matter how tired i feel , sad or whatever ..
suffocated and don't feel like wanna do anything
i'll fight this all ,,i 'll be a better person ..
even for once in my life... i will do it
maybe it's hard & harder to fight this
maybe my powers are wasted on this fighting ..
i have to be patient ..the begining is always the hardest ..
even if i feel i can't be patient these days ...
still i'll find away ...i have to do it ...i will do it ..in shaa Allah

so for who cares ..maybe they are very few ..but i just don't wish  to see u sad or bored ..or worried ...i'm okay ..even if not ..i'll try to be better ..just wait

i'm exhausted  very exhausted  ... i feel tired & need more sleep ..need healing
so i will listen first what myself wish to do ..i'll do it ..
step by step ....gradually 
in the End i'll get to wt  i want :)

Gasuem apaseo nettomonae apawaseo :\

i heard someone someday said : " many things are better to be left unsaid "
also
- it's better to be misunderstood than to say something hurts others ...
so i choose to be silent ..don't care anymore for wt others think of me ..:|

so if i ignored u someday .. that's for your own good ..
it hurts every time i see you ....

this song stuck in my head :((

====

가지마

this word .. if someone said it ..would it be different ..!??
*ga-ji-ma*
i really don't know..till now ...the few ones told me so
this didn't make me change my mind
or i just need to hear it from someone else!!
if so , who could be that ?
it's strange ...
i wish someone tell me so , & when they said it , it didn't change anything
maybe coz even when those close people told me so ..they are the ones that always with me,-group of friends- -family-
so that won't make a difference ..

few months ago ..i wrote the word in my left hand :D
anyway i didn't know that my handwriting were that good ^^

49يوم

1day left

i'm at my worst ..i didn't want to type anything or to say anything
and if i keep silent people complain more ..
and if i talk ..i'll say harsh words ...then they get hurt
anyway nothing can be done
i'm annoyed , depressed , disappointed , feel bad , hate myself ,bored ,....
every possible bad feelings ..i feel it right now ..i'm sad
and that what i shouldn't be .. i'd rather be angry than sad
anyway being angry will help my to do many things ..so this power will be wasted
but being sad ..just make us lazy ..powerless ..doing nothing...and i don't want that
i don't want to waste more time
i hate myself ..coz i wasted this whole day ..without even alittle useful thing
i'm afraid that i shouldn't be trusting myself ..for doing what i want to do
it always get sad or sick ..and don't do anything .. i end up the same
no matter how changes i made ..sometimes i get to start all over again
i can't sleep well ...i need a break ..:'(
i don't know what's wrong with me ..i can't be like that not now
i should put some deadline to that black mood :\
by the end of this month i'll be completely better ..no more of this
i can't lose this time ..i can't miss last months of college ..
i should have the power to fight ..even for this coming 3 months
i don't want to be lazy
i don't want to fail this time
i want to do good this time
i want to prove many things
i want to do many things
why can't i help myself ?
why things keep on getting complicated !!?
why i can't breathe well this days?

so i'm resting for a time ..i'm taking a break ..
i'm deactivating FB tomorrow
don't know when to come back
this time ..i will be back ..only if i get better
not like the 1st time when i came back after 20% done ..
this time i'll back after 100% and 100% are done
i can't lose this time
i must save myself
people who love me sure will support me
coz they want me to be better :)
so just be patient for a long while ..it won't be little i know
but
i'll be back for sure :)..better ..^^

dreams

the reason we are no longer dreaming of each other
is just because we can't sleep anymore :\

325

this day passed ..nothing important happened ..
although i thought it would be different ..
as this 3 numbers ..were the most 3 i 've been seeing for years ..
it's tiring
it's boring ...very  very boring ..
i feel lazy & tired to do anything
i want to wake uppppppp ...
i just want to :\

^^

------

it's not easy :|

Last Week :)

this will be the Last week for many thing in my life
last week of being lost .. closing FB ...finishing many things i started
and do wt i promised ...
i'll go on a long trip to find myself
wish no one stop me ..
although this words seem too harsh ..
we keep wanting someone to stop us or help us
that deep need of someone to say that
something like * stay ,don't leave please * or * stay let;s help each other or i will help you  *
but this is all imaginations ..nothing like that really happens ..
this is just thoughts ..like the thought that maybe someday
someone show up and say * u never know how long i waited for this chance to tell u many & many * like someone knows a lot about u from along time ago ..a year or two ..whatever
but still this things never happens ..that why this thoughts will be buried in my head
someone like me will end normally ..just Blind meetings
so i can't be greedy for more .. but still i can't erase that little dream of meeting someone who knows me ..that better for me ..i think :|
why i always turn to be so dramatic :D
back to main subject 
more important
many changes will be done this week
to achieve my goals
and be better person
and to do as i promised myself
i can't fail this time
coz it's now or never
i hope this time i succeed to do what i want
and to find myself ..and to be abetter person
^^

:\ :\ :\

formspring is closing permanently  :\
although i don't use this site much ..but i felt bad
reminded me of another website i used to use * Tickle* which also closed in the end of 2008
and they made a new one like it *testq* but no one liked it like tickle ...
which made me go to Facebook
all this thing is tiring

anyway ..after long time thinking what to do ..
i find it , i'm not that kind of person who can run away even if i want to
i can leave in peace .
so i decided to deactivate my FB accout for some time .. this time it will be longer
i wanna have some free space far from eveything , everyone ..
i'll just use my Blog & my Goodreads account .. just for a simple life
wish no one tries to stop me ..
coz this days ..i wasn't going to be here in Egypt ..
i was going to Ksa ..to perform 3omra .. but things didn't work
coz my studies and many more ..so i was waiting for it  the most
and i wanted it too badly
but things didn't work
so i've to find something better to do now
as long i;m here this year :((
i wanted to go ..i really made up my mind ...
i needed it ..and right now i need it
but i can't do anything ...
so i'll take my own rest ...
by the ways i can
it's not running away ...i'm just resting
before anything could happen
i'm not afraid to face my fears ,,or anything
i just need time by myself ..to think deeply about
what i really want , what am i going to do with my life next ?
many other things ..
i just need some peace :)

it's a Headache :'(

1st time in college ..to cry over a result ..it's not really about the degrees
it was because of other people :\
i knew that i won't get much ..coz if i wanted to ..i was going to do more effort
Although this exams i did better than last years.. but degrees are worse :\
this make me sad every year ..but ..i get over it quickly ..so i can live
i'm not that kind to cry over degrees ..i care for Health more :|
what really annoyed me ..i felt  suffocation ..
it really annoy me when people who are good at studies ..keeps whining about what if they fail a subject...and if looking to their degrees in midterms ..it's good ones ..and they even don;t have to get the half of finals to pass ..but it just like let's make everyone nervous
i just don't like who just come and ruin the atmosphere .

what happened today wasn't the 1st time for me..i heard this kind stuff most of times
but today it hurted me :((

someone came to us asking about something ..and started talking about how worried is she
the results ..and it's bad ..and this kinda rumors b4 every exam ...
i wanted to make her feel better and not to worry like that ..she was in a bad stats
so the same question we all ask to make others feel better  and to calm them down
how much did u get midterms?
it was a high enough degree for her to not worry ..so we all keep telling her that she is going to pass do not to worry..This didn't work
i told her ..if u are like this ..what should i do ? when my degree is even less than the half?!!
she responded :( u shut up , u don't even attend , i don't see in college ..i wish if i were like u ,,,,,,.........................)
means the cold person who isn't moved by the results ..the person who don't care ..and the person who laughs the whole time
this annoyed me ..i didn't add anything and kept silence ..

i heard this many times in the past few years so ..and many like why u always laughing smiling ..sometimes with a sarcasm smile ..so i wasn't surprised
i always felt bad after ...
but i just wondered

will it make u happy or anyone happy to just reveal all my saddness inside me !!!
not because i can control my feelings better than anyone else ..that means i don't care
if only they knew if i open up my heart ..they might die of the sadness & worries  inside it
it kills me ...i was worried like hell ,,i was afraid like hell ..i hate myself every time results appears.. i'm angry and very sad ..i have dreams too :\
but i never show it ..coz it kills me & i don't have to kill others with me
i've lied to myself thousand & thousand of times ..to get through my worst days & pains
to stand again and keep going ..
if i didn't help myself , no one will ..
if i let myself to collapse ..i wasn't going to get up again
i'm protecting myself with that shell
u want to be like me ..okay be like me ..take my degrees ,,my sorrows my worries ..my care
but can u live this way !!
i want to be like u all too ..not to care about anything or anyone ..just to care about studies only ..maybe then i'd be someone else ..someone u won't annoy by ur words..
i wanted to get better degrees for my last years too ..more than anyone ..
but this is how i ended ...this is my fate ...i'm accepting it ..
ِالحمدلله على كل شئ

reailty is ..no one ever cares about ur pain ..they just notice the happiness and try to steal it ,or to ruin it ..
they never know that the key of happiness is within themselves ..not in others
we all have our own pain ..circumstances.. just leave others in peace ..
u never know how they are suffering ..if u see someone smiling someday
pray that Allah keep their smiles & happiness forever
it is just that easy

after i heard this and many other situations happens today ..i was laughing & having fun with friends like there is nothing ..
once we left each other ..i got drown in this sadness & thoughts
i cried for the 1st time over this ..cried ..want to cry ..still........
seem this bad moods don't wanna me to be in peace ..
i will let every feeling to take it's own time
i;m giving up
i won't try to fight anything
 it's just a headache ..

لقد وقعت فى الفخ :\

i failed this time :\
لما الواحد يبقى مخطط حاجة وظبط نفسه ع حاجة معينة ..يقوم يجى حد يبوظ كل حاجة :@:@
طب والمخطط والافكار والوقت والطاقة اللى ضيعته فى التفكير ده

ياااااااااااااااااااارب مليش غيرك 

احتاااااااج مفاجأة تأخذ منى كل هذا الملل -_-

 

sakebu , Mitsukete

i scream
Find me
this 2 songs from anime *Kokoro connect* heart connect :)

it's tiring O.o

it happened so quickly than i thought ...
after i've finally decided to getting back my Inner peace
which it seem i can't have it ...
i needed time to breathe alone ..to find myself
to finish many things i want ..
it seem this can't be ..some mind peace please !!
hopefully ..i could get out of this .. no matter how hard for me to think properly these days
but Alhamdulilah ..i managed to think well :)
and i was able to give myself a chance for more months
Although this is nothing compared to what i ever wanted or i dreamt of
but i didn't feel bad ... they were happy for the news ..so i couldn't be so harsh
and i don't plan too for giving up my dreams
i don't like to lose something for another ..
i'm more likely to win and keep all the things i want together
but this will take much power...to think to get all people together
just being smart .. to solve whatever ..i need this
smartly i solved it ...but it's just for few months ..maybe 1 ..maybe 2 ..maybe less ..
i don't know & don't wish to know  ...because everything will happen in its perfect time
all i need is time ...coz now i'm just at my weakest ever
my emotions not stable ..more importantly ..i don't wanna make a decision that i'll regret later
so i'm giving myself the chance to get myself together and be stronger
then i won't have much suffering in future ..and with Allah help ..i'll make the right decisions

i admit it i wanted it so badly to meet new people ..to have action in my life
but seriously this is because i'm sick of everything ..need something new
but i can't now ..i don't want to get involved in something ..maybe not true ..not the right
i need to have my own space for now...till i be a better version of myself
i'm not ready yet ..that's it

so this new person ..1st meeting is when he comes back from abroad
don't know when ..and it's good to not know ..

"till he comes ..we will meet then ..from now till that date ..i will just be me , live my life..i'm tired , having enough ..i don't want to be attached to anyone or anything right now..and also for him ..time is precious  to be wasted with wrong people..and there is a high degree this is not the right one for me ..i need this time for myself ..no introducing to each other through any communication  or by anyway ..just till he comes..then i may start  thinking of this matter , accepting or refusing ..depending on the meeting ..& many more
through this period if i meet someone and i really liked him ..so i will accept this one ...so no promises ...let blind dates just be blind " i said

need time
so i can feel free and think widely ..deeply ..improve myself ..& to get to know myself more
to know whats important to me ..what i can give up ..&what i can't ...what i can accept ..what i can't
it's not easy at all :|
this is growing up..
i wish i was little ..my life would be soo simple :]
i just don't want to waste time ..i don't want to get drown in bad feelings of over thinking
so this time i;m letting everything ..to take it's own right way & path ..

ya Allah please Guide me , show me right from wrong...choose for me what's good for me
ya Allah u know better than anyone , u know me better than anyone ., what i can stand , what i can't
please help me :)
ya Allah if he is not my soulmate ..if he isn't the one ..please send him away
ya Allah give my real soulmate strength to show up soon b4 anyone else
Amiin
ياااااااااااااااااااااااارب
 

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh ^^

i was trying to use templates from net
and i've found something interesting ^^
i like it :)
i put it in my other blog..coz this is the 1st time to use a template like this
i really like it ^^
it's a Bleach *anime* Template
http://dedicated-thoughts.blogspot.com/

قرار :)

week ended ..so i had to make this decision and say it :)
it was a bout FB..
since i hate FB ..and it's really Fake ..just Fake world :)
& not wanting to waste a lot of time there
so i decided not to deactivate it ..i'll just do something else
and it needs more strength ...
i'm leaving my account ..not closing it ..
anyway it's important for college stuff ..
so i'll gradually ..not using it for too long..
just in important matters
Our Real Life is what really matters.. i want to spend it on useful activities
i need much time for many things in my life..the important things
so i won't log in there much ..
:)
till i do all i want ...finish all the works needed
to achieve my goal...just to be the person i want ..
till i become this ..then i'll think again :)
i will have much time for you my blog ..i think u need some changes ..
as i'm going to spend more time here :)
some peace , inner peace ..^^
i really need to get this things back :)

Today i was feeling i'm like a little kid ..the whole day :)
don't know why ..:)