meeting mr ....

why is it taking so long ? i'm looking forward it ..i think it's a happy thing ^^
all the best .. i need this change really in my life ..new people.. new air ..
i need action ..coz i'm bored of routine ..nothing new ..so i think it's gonna be this week ..and i hope the best this work out ..so we can be happy :)..and get busy :D
and the feel that this is something new ..to think & talk about it ..to get to know many things
wish to figure out :) ..total new thing ..:)
i've changed alot lately ..specially in this past week ..i knew manythings ..:\
anyway i'm stronger person now :)..having dreams to follow :)..and don't need to worry about anything ..:)

the fact that men don't know is ...when he likes a woman ..she feels it ..but she is never sure until he tells her directly ..not sitting behind and act cowardly ..somehow ..someday ..other person will do his best and take her heart .. will love her and show it ..and then no more chances for the one who stood away coz of he maybe lazy or afraid of response or coz of circumstances ..
he will never knew that the girl he likes ..if she doesn't want him she will refuse it from far ..girls wait for too long for the person to make sure what she feels form him is right ..not just crossing thoughts ..she waits as long as she can ..she gave 1 ,2 ,3 ,.....chances ..in the end
she get tired ..and consider this is just was from her imagination..she gives it up ..
then come another one who loves her and show that he really love her ..so she accepts his love and accept him ..
this is not the problem ..the fact is the one who take too long to understand how much she means to him ..show late and come to tell her ..when it's too late ..and it's over
he gets hurt ..coz - he is  slow and his stupidness- for losing someone who can never find another one like her ...
it's his problem of not telling her earlier ..he didn't know ..she was going to accept ..and she was going to be patient and wait for him too ..to complete what left for him to do ..she can persuade her family and they will support their daughter ..but he never give himself the chance to try telling her !!
one thing men don't get ..that when a woman turns the page on you ..she will never come back ..god only knows how long she waited for u to say something ..how many chances she gave you ..but no use ....so this is how many things over ...
so if u like someone or love someone .or feel that she is the one for you ..
go and tell her ..if she refuses ..that's for your good ..coz u'll forget about her and live ur life with no regrets and will love someone better
if she accepts ..then you win ..it's easy ..getting afraid and waiting for too long makes the one lose ...nothing last forever ..and now she might already get tired of waiting for crossing thoughts or dreams just to come true ..while this dreams are busy wandering if to take the chance or to wait bit longer ..this is the sad truth !!
you have today ..but not tomorrow..
what exist today might not exist tomorrow
think wisely how you want ur life to be !!
don't hesitate
in the end ...No sympathy...

1st post from my vaio ^^

this is strange ..:\ ..not yet used to it :|
any way i opened my facebook back on wednesday at 4pm ..
i returned earlier than i should ..it's all because what i felt through the couple days b4 wednesday :\\
bad feelings which chased me from after 7:30 pm ..to 9 or 10 ..sometimes more :\\
i couldn't handle it ..and this starts on sunday i guess or monday ..:\\
i just hate it ..and my friends kept telling me to back ..the most important people to me ..:D just for them i reactivate it again ..i failed ..i was soo afraid to come back ..it was even harder than closing it ..i didn't want it back ..i was just living in peace ..enjoying my time my life
it's all fake ..i just hate it ..
so i back just for those whole bad feelings kept coming to me ..so when i was back ..i was happy this day to the fullest ..i thought this was the end ..i'm stronger ..not going to have this feeling again :\
but it came back today at 2 pm ..and i don't remember if i got it yesterday ..
ahhhhhhhhhh it's bad ..tiring ..i hate it ..it's like someone is missing me or need me or overthinking about me ..i hate it ..i want it to stop ..and this dream i had after i slept today after zuhur prayer ..when someone told me that needs me ...i was shocked ..
or maybe this dreams is all lies...but i wish from the deep of my heart ..to end this bad feelings...till the idiots talk  ..just stop thinking about me ..i wanna enjoy my time ..do the things i should do ..i was okay ..i didn't miss anyone ..why just giving me a hard time..!!?
i just finished 10% of what i wanted to do ..which is considered a failure to what i really planned ..it seem i must ignore all this stuff and fight harder as much as i can ..

1st day :)

1st day without facebook ..away from all things..and people :)
well it's not bad at all ..i enjoyed ..and i was soo busy that i didn't notice or feel like
i wanna go check my facebook ..it's been like ..i never had it
to be more honest ..i just felt it once at the whole day ..it was after sunset i felt ..like i wanna see what's happening ..but then i got busy and forget all about it :)
real life is more important ..and really needs me :)..
i'm afraid of getting to love my life like these ...so simple ..no headaches ..no one annoy me
not feeling angry :)..just peaceful feel ^_^
that's all what i've been looking for :)..
and the best thing ..i have alot of time to do more of the things i like ..:)..still this was the 1st day
looking forward for next days ..today is the 2nd ..and still i don't feel it's nessecary to log in .:)
it seem i will take longer time than i expect to come back :)..
although my sisters are angry because of that ..but this is my life .my plans ..i just want to get better ..and do the many things i want to do ..in peace ...peaceful mind ..that's all :)
i just wanna complete this experience to the end ..and finish it ..so i can say all what i learn all this time :)..amazing feeling :)..i'm stronger than i ever imagined :)

deactivating my Facebook account :)

yeah :)..i've been thinking about this a week ago and finally i made my decision ..
i'm closing my account for some time  ..don't know how long it will take ..but i'm doing it
for tooo many reasons ..and it's all for good things ..:)
anyway who cares ..no one :)..the point is ...i wanna experience my life without facebook like it never been there ..
life with no net ...limited net ...this experience means a lot to me ..i need much time with myself ..me ..my activity ..home ..family ..and here my blog ...and my friends if they want something they will call me for sure :)..
so nothing to worry about :).
and for sure i'll type about how amazing will this experience be :)..
this is very important to me ..for my self improvement ..:)
i've changed alot ..and yet i'm doing my best to be better ..
the reality is ...i will be back and activate it again when i become a better person than the one i'm already now ...many things needs me in my life ..i'll fix it ..complete many promises i made ..
it will make the burdens i carry.. less :)  
and for making my life a new ..it's not new ..but it was always what i wanted ..this is 2013 ..i'm 21 ..i need to fix everything in my life ..
this is will be my time ..to make my new life system :)..some organizing & everything will be okay :)
i think it will be the best in shaa Allah :)..
I can do it ..i Will Do it :)

14-jan ..welcome my sony vaio :D

well still i can't believe and i have no feelings ..i don't know wt should i do !!!
and it's not like the one i imagined ..but still it's a Vaio !!!!..which i can't still believe it's all mine
^^
i wanted diamond *truss* texure one...but i've been searching since last september ..and i couldn't find it ..it was only black ..and i wanted it white ..this type was as white as snow :))..coz i thought it's that kind had a led keyboard buttons ..which led in Aqua in dark ..and it was all white from all directions ..and i'm still like kids like things shining in darkness ^^ XD
then when i couldn't find it ..i thought about pink and pink is great too ..so i kept searching and no use..and in the fact i couldn't give up the colors and just get the black one ..which every one had left in stores :\ ..
so i got afraid after all this months ..every currency are getting high ..and i can see in the mean time ..it'll just grow bigger ..comparing to pound ..so i thought about ..i will buy what in Egypt now ..i won't wait any longer ..coz it'll be with higher prices ..and then i can't afford it :\\
and the longer money with me ..i will spread it ..in non useful things ..
so i take the step and kept calling stores all day ..no one reply actually ..i spent the time on waiting on phone .and in the end ..some store pick the phone ..and i did it and i went to get it ..
i was soo worried and excited  and i was nervous ..not that happy ..i was in strange mood ..butterflies in my tommy .. i couldn't know what's wrong with me ..:O
the one i get i didn't know whether it will be white or pink ..coz when i talked in phone he didn't know which one is available in stores..and i said it's okay white or pink ..both i want :)..
so in the end i get it white ..and it's a pearl white :)..so this won't be my diamond snow ..it will be ..my pearl vaio :)..
and when we opened and i read the instructions ..i felt soo stupid
well this is much technology for me ..and i'm not used to it :\
i know it'll take time ..but i really want this time to pass soo quickly ..so i can use it comfortably ^^
in the end i wasn't that happy as i thought ..things in life ..exam tomorrow ..poltics matter ..
all this made me a bit down from inside ..so i couldn't be as happy as i should be ..
here it is :)

 

it's okay to come back

^_^ afkar taqtelonyyyy hahahahhaha

3ayza a3ml 7agaaaaaat keteeeeeeeeer ..kal3ada el afkar el gamda ..beteegy ayam el exams
hartbhom fe dema3'y w aktebhom ...3ashan abtdy fehom ..
wl wa2t day2 awyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :|
2e7sas gameeel ama el ensan yeb2a mash3'ool b sho3'l ye3melo ^^
i just don't want to feel bad or sad ..:)
2 exams left ...1st time to enjoyyyyyyyy exams this much ..mostamt3aaaa awyyyyyyyyyy ...
w lama fakrt enha a5er sana ..i was soo sad ...i'm gonna miss that ..really ^_^
bas mafesh 7aga 3ala 7alha wel lazem nntleq le mara7el 2o5ra :D..kol mar7la w betnthy w benbda2 7aga gedida ..:)
ya rab a3mel 7aga kewaisa fe mashroo3 el t5rog .. ezzaay hat5rg kda mn 3'eer ma 2a2thr fel kolya XD XD XD ..:)..in shaa Allah 5eeeeeeeeeeer :)..
me7taga afkr gedyan ha3ml eih ama at5rg ..fe3ln shei2 mo7ieer XD

afkaaaaaar keteeeeer bas 3aiza ttzbt w asht3'l fehom ba2a ...
^_^
things will be betterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ...i Believeeeeeeeee ^^
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa rab :)

freezing XD oh wind stop blowing :)

it's soooo cold here ..i'm freezing ,, but still i'm on net ..i must be under blanket now XD
in this cold days ..nothing is better than watching anime ..drinking coffee & hot drinks ..that's really make my stomach Happyyyyyyyyyy ^^
it feels good typing whatever , :D.. really make me Happy :)
this weather reminded me of a Korean song ..i can say a line from it
* oh wind stop blowing , so he can come ^^ *
maybe the last weeks ,months ..haven't been good ..but i still Believe in tomorrow ..will be better than ever...everything will shine again ..like the sun comes after every night ..no matter how long the night last...in the end the sun rises up ..there is a morning after every night ...this is the main fact  in  this big world ..^^
i'm hoping more than any other time...i have no more interest in any one ..
i changed to the best ...i'm trying my best ..to be better..:)..
things changed ..many many ..there are things important than others :)
i realized what more important to me ..i've made new dreams ..new decisions ..things to follow ..i don't want to feel alone or not useful :)..so this vacation will be alittle different ;) ..in shaa Allah :)
things is going to be the best ever ..i believe :)..

i remembered people who came along my life since i enter school ..people who loved me ..who cared for me ..who made me feel special person ..since i was 8 years ..people who ruined my life :D..i'm thankful to all of you ..i'm not that person who can't be loved ..thanks to Allah ..i've been loved be many ..some i knew ..some i didn't ..:)..people i refused they weren't good persons ..the fact is everyone has a soulmate ..who will show up some day ^^
i may refused many ..but i don't have any intentions to refuse more :)
i'm not waiting for anyone to love me ...i won't assume  others love me ....people who love me will show it ..will tell me ..not hiding and wishing if i can feel them ..this is stupid ...no one can count on this things it might not be true unless it's been said directly ..and it's clear boys have to make the 1st move :) ..
after long thinking ..and long talking with mom on tuesday ..i felt like why i'm so afraid of meeting new people ..i was afraid of not being able to say no ..afraid to hurt good people just coz i'm not feeling acceptance towards them ..*this is the worst feelings ever*
 ..recently many were talking about me:(( ..i know i have thoughts & things i'm not giving it up ..but this doesn't mean to just stay at a corner ..and for fact i won't choose something to ruin my life..or choose something coz  people like it or want it  or see this is the right  ..i'll just choose what my heart feel good to ..:). like wt i believe .. what i want ..away from many things ..i don't care..what's more important to me in a person ..*their mind &their heart* .i don't like empty mind people or shallow ones ..:@....nothing after this mean anything ...and i'm not a child that i can't take a decision ...i know myself ... what i want ..what i need...this isn't an easy decision ...it's a life time matter ..why people just interfere with this ..i hate those people really :@
recently i was soo disappointed & soo sad , depressed  ..and made my decision i'm ready to meet new people
i'm not afraid ..as long Allah with me ... i won't be lost :)..
i always wished not to meet many people ..and the only one come to our home is the one for me ,,the right one..i don't want to meet many... & this stuff... made any girl sick :\\
in the end ..this is my decsion... only me... and thanks to Allah my parents supporting me ^^..
and
-I'd rather be with no one ..than to be with the wrong one -
i have plans for my life..things i wish to learn ..things i want to do ..and i'm not giving it up
i'm not going to kill myself or end my dreams never ^_^ coz that what makes us what we are :)
main thing to do in this life ..is to please Allah :)..

fate :( nega michyosson nabwa

this song were stuck in my head for days ..
*please don't come to me *
*i don't have the confidence to love you *
*if i try to leave you don't hold on to me *
*please let me go*
*please don't cry*
*i can't wipe awaay your tears anymore*
* i guess i mistook u for destiny *
*i guess i thought u were mine , i guess i was crazy *
annyong ijen nal ijo juseyo *Good bye , please forget me *

to the person of my dreams :|  sayounara

2013 ^^

don't know exactly what to say ...days are going very fast & exams too ..:D.i have made many plans for this agaza :D
.i have an exam on wednesday
as always i forgot wt i was going to say :\\
well i don' have much time to think about what i wanted to say ..coz i haven't started studying yet :D
i'm soooo stuckkkkkkkk XD :D i'll go studyyyyyyy :)

the end of 2012

aaaaaaah ..here is the end of this year..nothing much happened ..haven't done many ..
still i'm hoping for the best next year 2013 :)..although i feel it'll not be any different
my exams starts 2nd January  ..i feel lost..my head wasn't working properly since the end of october..like i have a memory loss..or i become stupid :\\
and still in this mind state,, i wish i pass this exams safe:)
looking forward for my graduation project ...after i joined a strange one ..which everyone call me crazy for doing this..but still i like it ..and i want to go though this adventure :)..
i feel it'll be amazing :D..and i will learn alot of things :D..

i wish things get better :)

:@ + :)

:) for :
well i'm happy to know an important truth about my dreams :D
it's not all a lie..it's a whole truth or part of truth ..i knew many things through my dreams
which i found out thatt it's true ..:| ..it's strange but this is happening :)
but this is really complicate my life more than what i'm suffering these days .. i just want to focus ..i need help ..or some support :)
:@ for :
i hate people who talks and asks about things that it's not their business
i hate them ..like some people who keep telling u u did this ..don't do this ..while they are doing it :@:@,,
i hate people talk behind my back ..or lie to someone something about me which isn't true ..
just haters every where ..:((...just like my dreams lately ..:\\ and like my deep fear inside me ..
like my story ...it's all the same ..hope that my prince charming ..do as the dream ^^
well i'm angry of him ..coz he is slow & late..i'm about to hate him :@
coz he maybe change my life ..help me to be better and do many things..
each time he is late ..i'm going to give up on him .. XD
anyway this is not the subject ..in fact...there are too many things i should do ..b4 my soulmate show up & i can finally meet him ..i don't know when is the perfect time or wt will happen
but i feel good as i asked Allah to help me and choose  for me :)..
and i saw it in dreams too :$
so everything will be okay :)..i believe ..and those haters...will just burn like always
i don't care ...as long Allah is with me :)..
i don't care what any human will say or do ..
better days are coming ..:D
i Believe :))
 

super woman !!

i'm in this strange mood ..that u can't say what u r feeling ..can't describe or say the best words...just can't explain anything..:\ ..
i miss mom , i want to study, strange things happened , a lot of work at home must be done, many promises with my friends ...............i'm stuckkkkkkkkkkkk ..don't know where to start
:\\
many things i'm thinking about ..like what will we cook , when i will wash dishes ..laundry ..making tea , coffee  hot drinks for all ..the whole time ..back from college daily 3al Maghrib
what can i dooooooooooo ?? even if i'm super woman ..i won't be able to do all of this
i'm just getting more tired day after day :\ maybe i was doing this things when mom was here
but at least i was following ..not leading ..it's different & hard :D
i don't care to get enough sleeping .i just want to study ...i want to get 1100+ this year..
i want my whole degree *the 5 years of college *  be more than 65% ..this is what i want ...but nothing helping :\\
it's a bad thing to live far from college ...the worst ever!! :\\
and i don't know what project i want ..the results will come in a week ...
yet i put the 1st 6 the things i want ..or i'll be willing to join this projects...after long thinking
i'm just willing to join just 2 of them :\\
so may Allah help me to go to the best for me ..coz i don't know..and seriously it doesn't matter for me ..what project it will be :||
yomkenny el takyof ma3 ay shei2 :)

....tired ..

enha Al masha3er el morheqa ..na3m :|
i feel soo annoyed ..mom left Egypt today ..she went to my sister
i feel bad ..i hate goodbyes at airports ..
i will be busy ..don\t know wt to do ..!!?
it's college ..home ..country !!!!!
 i have a lot to do ...and a lot i wish to do ..but i can't think well
i feel like i want to talk to someone ..maybe i'm missing my best friend ..she is sick
and i'm totally feeling alone :\\..maybe this is the reason ... anyway being busy won't make me feel anything
anyway ..i'm used to this stuff & i'm strong to fight it ..
i really want to study ..but nothing is helping ..:\ well i can say the truth
yeah maybe nothing is helping but i don't fight even for the little time left
and i can't help myself ..& always end up stuck in everything ..
i only wish for once in my life ..to finish all the work early ..and never be stuck again
if i did that...it'll be amazing & awesome

i'll feel better and like i did a great thing ..but nothing is helping
or maybe i just can't help myself
it's tiring ...i'm tired & sick ..
wish to do more changes & be stronger..but nothing goes well ..it's not nothing ..it's mostly things don't go well ..or as i wish it to be
so i must work harder ..wake up more from this long sleep
i really want to change & do a lot ..
i really deeply want to ..more than any other thing
but why just i can't do it !!??!!!

...

i just need to be taken care of ...
i'm tired and can't take care of myself or any other thing or people..
not like i used to .. i feel down this days :\

graduation project !!! :\

life getting busy & busy everyday ..facing the worst ever... i think i messed up things in midterm week :\
obviously ..i need to start working really...work hard..give up this laziness :(
today was bad ..this wasn't the 1st prof. to complain about the degrees and how bad is it ..for most of the students..:\\
i know i need to be pushed ..and need help ..but i never ask for it ..:\\ although i know no one will ever just come to help me without asking ..i never ask ..seriously ..it's hard for me
and i hate to use others ..so i try to do it all by myself
also today ..we took the paper for choosing the Graduation project :\\ ..i felt sooo bad..kinda lost , angry ..mixed feelings...don't know why ..!!??
it's not because i don't know what to choose ..no ..i know what i want..but i just want 2 projects ..i can't find or think in a 3rd choice..although i had a bad degree last year..that will really affect getting in the project i want :\\ ..i'm afraid what if i didn't got anyone of the 2 i want ..what should i do??!!!...i hate all subjects in the dep.
although myself kept on raising up my soul ..that Allah will help me & i will get one of this two , i felt bad and not okay inside me ..
don't know why ..??!!..i think maybe it's because ..i'll be losing the peace in my life :||
really i like simple life ..no complications ..just peace...i just love this..
but when i feel uncomfortable ..or something is getting on the way of my peace..this make me angry !! ..puts me in a bad mood ..or i just really need help and the fact i can't ask for it ..maybe one of the reasons :|
well i'm looking forward for better days a head to come..
i just need more of many things..more time..more sleep ..working...&..&..&...
 my life is in a mess :\ ..
ya rab sa3dny :|
 

this week !

this week is my midterms exams week ..it's busy i know...thanks to Allah ..tomorrow is off ..:)..this is a relief especially .. i'm having a hard one on tuesday :D..
well i'm not stupid ..i'm smart enough ..but i'm tooo lazy to study or to work harder..it's just enough to me to just pass..i don't like to do more efforts ..i feel it's like wasting time..enough engineering faculty is a waste of life time..i don't wish to waste the little time left on my day in this silly things..i don't care for grades ..enough i know & understand what i'm learning :)..
i just wanna have more time to do many things i want to do ..i just wanna enjoy my life..do thing i like ..not to waste time again :)..simply this is my way :)..
i mean this kind of college ...make the one lose his real life..just be far from everything ..
i can't lose my social life, my activity ,my old friends ,....etc...:)..
i was happy i started to learn Japanese language from the last month ..it's amazing ..i can't help it ..and i can't stop it XD ..i love also korean ,,after 10 years of watching korean drama ..i can talk and understand many many :D..wish to learn it too in the future :)..

recently i have this feeling inside me deeply..i wanna someone to study with me ..i'm longer can study ..and i like if someone tells me & explains for me ..this will be awesome ..just like the dream i had 4 years ago ..but i couldn't see the face of the one who was studying to me ..i just remember he was wearing glasses ..just like my childhood dream friend ..who always come to my dreams..i don't know him or even his name ..i just called him strange name no one can call it but me ...i can't even type it ..coz i can't figure out the letters of his name :)..:\
looking back to it ..no one believed me when i was talking about my dream hero ...our talks ..our plans ..he was such a good friend ....he wasn't so old..it's like he was about 3 years or 4 years older...i dreamt of him a lot ..i can't remember coz this dreams was b4 i go to school ..i just remember one dream ..i think he left me since then and never show up again in my dreams...
but since july 2010 ..one man show up on my dreams ..it was 4 dreams ..i never saw his face ..but he always left me notes everywhere ..i think he might be my little hero but he grew up now..i saw him when he was leaving but never seen his face ..i know some details from my dreams but not much ...he made me crazy sometimes ..but after 4 dreams i waited for him to show up & see his face,,,but he never come again ..and i never see his face ..strange dreams of mine ^^ ...to know someone through dreams ..never met them ..or maybe met them but never know  who they are ??..strange ..
i gave this up along time ago ...it's like searching & thinking & wasting time ..of someone who never exist ..but just in a dream ....for me ..he was just a dream..dream made me happy when i was young ..made me angry when i'm old ..:)..i'm over all this now ..coz there are many other things and dreams came to happen *it's been about year now* ..made everything is different ..
like always i give up those dreams..coz it only happened while i was sleeping ..:)
i have nothing to do but to give it up ..so i can peacefully live my life & go on..
after this ..dreams never stopped ..i still get it ..it aches my head alot ..
there are some people who wish me never sleep well :D ,,but i dream and never think of this dreams or count it any more..simply i give it up ..it's like someone is after me !!!

my life in a word *complicated*
in 3 parts.. Reality , dreams , internet
Reality ..is a mix of both ..people after me ,,people make me feel sick ..people from dreams
just complicated
Dreams : even in dreams .. i'm so tired ..my head is lost...dreams happen& come true ..just a person following me in my dreams ..make me dreams &  reality harder
..
internet .. people who stalk you ..wt u said wt u did ,...bla bla bla .& judging u .>.<
people who are acting weird & mysterious ..& people who are trying things in secrets..
and annoying people ...people who love in silence ..watching from far.. people who are not acting the real self ......etc

this is all make me feel sick .. specially internet..why people can't just be themselves,, no one will bite you ..or kill you..and why people just interfere with everything..i just wanna tell them ..mind your own business  ..
simply be you ..it's better than hiding behind a name or a fake account or whatever ..
i like people who are real ..that's more trusting ..just to be the real one they are ..that's all

after all the annoying things i got through ...i really don't care..
i live my life simply the way i want...i'm no longer thinking about wt annoys me ..
the only one thing i'm working on it now ..is to be a better muslim ,,abetter version of myself..
i'm trying to be someone...i don't care who said what or who did what ? this nonesense talking of people..hate it >.< ...what we really must care for ...is changing ourselves to the best...
please Allah ..and get closer to ..worship ..pray ..read Quran ..there are many good things we can do ...
treat others good...give without expecting in return...just do things just for Allah
make others Happy..never be the reason of someone sadness ..raise the spirits
always be with Allah ...nothing is better than this <3
that's all wt i'm trying to do a long time ago ..this what i'm focusing  on ..
this is the road to happiness ...
but no matter how others try to ruin this or stand in my way
this is the only thing in life ..deserve fighting for ..
this is the change we really need :)

i Love Allah ..اللهم لك الحمد كما ينبغى لجلال وجهك وعظيم سلطانك

new start ..new beginig :)

things have been strange lately :).. since 4th nov,2012 ..i made a decision which i meant by it ..that iit will be permanent ..i give up many things.. because having many things to do or to hold onto ..is tiring ..there is things more important than others ..so i deleted things that just staying on my way to get to other dreams..:)
back to few days ago i felt miserably with no reason ..like feeling u r connected someone who is far from u ..feeling their pain without even realizing ..i kept praying for whom i'm connected to ..whoever to feel better & to be stronger ...in a day everything back to be good :)
i know ..i'll be lying if i say that i'm okay..or not feeling bad..it's like dying everyday ..hardly breathing ..things go wrong .. this country just put me in much pain ..my only way to feel better ..is just writing ..writing really make me feel better ..better in many ways...like i'll type all what in my head & wt i feel ..so it's like telling someone , but these things can't be told..and the humans always want to talk and say it all ...just a relief :)..
i know my runaway from sadness or depression was always playing games or getting lost on watching drama or anime ....whatever just to keep me away from everything hurts around ..i think i got used to that ...this really made me not to feel lonely ..:)..
well i'm not giving up many things ..not yet..i still believe ..hoping for the best :)
i realized many things ...made me a better person than i was ...thanks to Allah :)
i still have my good dreams ..my own world ..my everything :)..i still believe
although i have to do things b4 i leave ..it's 2 months b4 i leave
there are many things i wanna do ..things i promised others with ..even if it was years..i just wanna make them all .:)..i just want to make others happy ..so they won't miss me and remember me with good things always :D
really i changed a lot ..and so my life :)
new officially start..since the 1st of this Hijri year :) hoping for the best always :)
time is running out ..& i don't want to waste more :)

good thing :) many thoughts

one of the best things today ..i didn't log in FB  today ..i feel better ..very much :)
1st time not to feel like i wanna write something or share something
just enjoy real life ..that wt i did ..i slept till 10 o'clock
i can feel him in the air ..but i was the best at ignoring this
i haven't eaten till 10:30 pm , it's the 1st time ..
i know i'm the best at acting the role of the strongest person ever ..this makes me feel tired most days // hiding the weakness inside u ...maybe being that strong cold person
although i want to cry soooo much ..but still i can hold this tears ..
although i feel a big gap & hole in my heart ....i still can look happy & smile
i don't want anyone to worry about me ..the problem is i was sooo sad on sunday ,, then 2 of my friends were sad today ..i felt pain ..this may be because of me ..i kept laughing & trying to do anything to make them feel better ..but no use..
it's even harder to try to do something for others u can't even do to urself ...
i'm not hiding or running ..i'm just wanna rest & make things better ..for my life that become
a mess ..a real mess... and bad luck continue ..i don't complain ..at least it leads me to things i should find out & know ..& that's a good thing :)
i decided that i have to be stronger ..& ignore all what annoy me & people too ..it's hard
but i must do it ..
i know no one cares anyway ..& no one will ever ..even i hid my self for a week ..no one will notice ..no one will care ..and mostly of who will ..will not show it for real ..that's why i always hate to hide ..coz i hate that fact & i'm sure that no one cares :)
this time i'm sooo tired ..my soul is tired ..very much ...that i can't take manythings anymore ..i don't want anyone to ask about me or notice ..coz if i find out ..i'll  feel bad & go back earlier than i should back ...and this time i shouldn't do this..i should get my fully recover & the longer rest i need ..till everything heals :)
i must focus on the other things i wanna do in my last year ..i want everything perfect ..:)
waiting to get my laptop , waiting to see what will go on for my sister , many actions in my life
the most important is to never regret anything in this life ..as nothing deserve really !
and all what happens in people life is the best for their sake ..& that's a good thing :)

i still have a dream inside my heart my soul my head .. i wanted all long ..for my whole life ..
but stil no matter that i'm sure this not happening for real ..in this life .. i still can't give it up
i still want to , wish for having kinda of fairytale :)

one of things annoy me ..that in this generation there isn't too many men that really men like we girls want ..i mean now they all idiots ..and mostly not grown up ..and till when we have to wait till they  grow up .. !! idiots idiots idiots ..not even thinking & not even trying
wanting the best while they are not ...that is  stupidity ..really make me feel sick

anyway ..i still have the hope of better tomorrow ..holding the best for us ..the best we can ever live ..better than we can ever imagine ..i just simply Believe :) ..everything will be okay :)

now after too long trip ..i can peacefully give it up now :)

i don't know how to start this ..maybe i was too much dreamer ..
now i'm too wake up , & know many things i might haven't known :)
1st: i miss the place here ..soo much ..
i wanna run away ..i think i can do it ..
there is no more things to be shown :)
it seem in the coming days ..i'll be active here :)..less FB & more studying ..coz i don;t want to miss my last year
yaaaaaaaaah ..it's been along time since i felt this great feelings when writing:)
2nd : now me as flower girl ...can let go of some person who made me suffer much in my dreams ..i'll let u go peacefully :)
i'm ready for change ...i made things i never done ..just for the sake to know more & to find out the truth ..that kept in hurting me all a long  ..in reality & dreams
i was crazy to think about  this dreams was different ..although i had 4+ dreams ..things this person told me & it happened for real ..
that wt made me hold onto it that much ..this dreams was never a lie
and why & how possiblly i can know this things b4 it happenes & he is the one telling me
maybe i never talk with that person , personal talks...but it's like some one u see from far
not even a friend or anything ..:)
in the past few months whenever i tried to give up ..something happen to let me keep on  it
for many many times ..
that why it took me this far to be able to let go peacefully in the end..
actually..i didn't even love this person .. i may just like him , maybe  ..there is no much..i mean he is not that typical man of my thoughts ..my hero ..my imagination for my 2nd half..
just dreams & situations made things a little complicated for me to know whats going on
 i prayed Allah to show the right roads always ..& to never love wrong person ..this heart to be kept to only one ..i've always prayed this ..
for me to start talking today ..made me realize many things i should know .. & i'm happy for wt i knew till now ..:) ..this made me happy
now i'm feeling soooooo free ...i'll forget about all this dreams & this whole thing ..anyway
i have a long list to do things in my life ..
i got a sign since the last week ..since last week till now ..i'm facing the worst of the bad  lucks ..that ever anyone can have ...that simply mean ..there is something in the way :)..*the sign for every girls*
good news soon
although this made me sad for the past few days ..being afraid to meet new people who might not be like how i thought ..till earlier this morning i was soo sad ...then things turned around
and everything is real now ..i feel good & i can accept meeting new people ..and make my new trial ..wishing myself the best to find mr right :)
my family   * for my older sister* are going today to meet someone ...if things work out
i'll be in danger after this , well it's no longer dangerous ..simply if good people i'll go on ..if bad then better chance next time ..
i'm totally grown up now :) ..till i learn new lessons ..too far Alhamdulilah i'm doing well :)
sayounara strange case :\

it's different now :)

everything is different ...everything changed ..i'm even ..never thought i'll be like that one day
but it seem this what all  people become when they grow up
i've become 21 ...9 days ago ...after i realized the bigger truth of life..
no one tell this b4 ..but i think every human knows this at some point in this life
i became more stronger & more calm ..but still have my crazy ideas
b4 i come here ..i had a lot in my mind to type ..
but now ..nothing is there ..life empty head ..
maybe later i'll find out ..and come to say wt i wanted to say :)