bad feelings

well i have a lot of cleaining to do tomorrow ////
really i wished to go to this orphanage day ...i'm stuck here ...
really wish if i can be in an event like this things ..it's good :)..
but fate not helping ..the same like aboul ftouh :| ...anyway i'm over it now :)...
this events is like my dreams and my story///it seem i'm not the girl in my story hahahahhaha
i thought i was ...and it seem i'm not/// maybe when i thought about typing it ..i was just thinking to make a girl not really me ..but the one i wanted to be :)...in the end we are similar in many things :D..
many things i wanna do ...especially the pillows i'm going to maje for my friends ..it's been months ..and this promise really annoy me ..and another promise i made to some 2 others ..
i'm going to make pasta flora for them :)
i'm alittle depressed coz i don't know wt i'm studying ..& i forgot wt i studied last week ...
this head became the worst ////
in the end all i neeeed is some fighting ...fighting the laziness :\

boringgg...msg to me

yeah really is ...boring ...
feel like empty headed this days..although i was thinking of many things
which i don't even know wt was it ..
my head is lost somewhere ...can't find it ...plz head ...be u ..be normal
i just wanna be me again ...the one i was a weeks ago ...
why after every exams week  i feel sooo desperate . .. bored ...and very saaad ...is that coz i'm not busy !!!!
anyway..plz me ..u have to think of something to  be busy ..or u are going to lose urself ....ur mind ..
damn to imagination ...i keep daydreaming and imagine many things a day ..yeah maybe it's good ..but it is too much ..makes me tired more than happy...in the end it makes me sad///coz non of them actually happen ..i'm sick of this ..it's like a time wasting ...
i'm not recovered yet and still i keep making myself tired :\
i need some rest...yeah .. i must have more rest & sleep well :)...
after the 2 days of on tuesday & wednesday ...
i need many changes to be done ...
- sleep early * wake up early
- some exercises
-study anything ..
-learn something new in whatever ...
- take a good care of my self & health ..
plzzzzzz head come backkkk and save me ....
i really need someone to encourage me ...as long as i only work good & do my best when someone asks me to do it ...or when it's for the sake of someone else !!
i'm such an idiot :\\ ...lazy....i hate me right now :@...
be strongg ...fighting
come baaaaaaaaaack braaaaainyyyy :(

??!!?

this days i can't find anything to type ..even when i tried to type the day b4 yesterday ...light was gone !!...i think this was a sign or something...but Alhamdulilah now im fine ... i was soo sick
& i slept too much not like me normally ...
the only day  i was good at was the day i went to dream park ..i totally forgot that i was sick
although it was a little boring ..
on thursday i was sooo sick that i was totally lost in the exam ..!!
i think i'm going down ..maybe i'm not smart as i though i'm !!!
this is depressing ..:\\...or maybe my head caught some cold ..that why i become alittle stupid !!
anyway ..when i get rid of cold..i become sick again ..and i suffered today at the exam ...
and i can say i did 50% okay ...
simply i'm lost ....that's it ..i don't wanna confess it ..but i will ...it's better when i know it ..
every year i be sick in the week of midterms ... i know i haven't done all my best ...
but i really have good intentions to be better next time
i have been saying this for 4 years and more ...and still i'm in the same place hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
such a lazy !!!
i was lost the whole week !!!..missing something ..
my head really not okay ...that is the worst..coz this is all wt i have and wt i use all the time ..
huh...well the best thing that tuesday & wednesday are off ..and this is good..coz after i clean the house..i will give my time for my blog //to type old posts :)..i think this is good :)..
as typing make me happy ..i'll keep on typing ..till i get bored ..:))
i wish to eat some watermelon ..i adore itttttttt really ^_^
i'm sooooo tired today and i made some miracle ..i washed the dishes in 1:30 hours ..and it was like dishes for 2 days ...still i'm tired ...haven't even made the homework sheet i have to do ..
anyway i will sleep better for my health ..then the last thing to think about is this sheet ..anyway i will complete it in metro ..at least i'll find somethiing to do in this long time :)

day at dream park :D

yes i know i'm sickkkk ...i know i'm having a midterm exam tomorrow ..i know i haven't studied yet
in the end soooooooo what !!!!
i really enjoyed the place ...and it made me think about many dreams...
when i meet my soulmate...from the places i wanna go with...is there
it's a good place ..to face some fears .. enjoy ..be crazy ..have fun ^_^...
although i was sooo lonely...but i was daydreaming ^_^..
anyway ...it was good ..and i'm going again soon ..:)..i hope so ..
to try other games with friends ^_^..i'm turning to be sooo brave =)) ..so next time i'll try the worst games there ..the thing i never done ..although i should wait for mysoulmate to do this when he come ..but still he is not here ..and i need to be strong...and maybe he is afraid of this things ..i must be strong and encourage him to enjooooy ..in the end it just a games ^^

collapsing !! :((

i'm soo sick ..nearly i was going to collapse at college today
i was late 25 min for the exam ...and i was having a killing headache which i still have ..
i left the exam early solving 4 questions only and i left the 5th ...i felt like i can't do this anymore :\\
i'm feeling soooo tired ..my head not okay
i even was about to cry the whole day but i kept my tears ..so the headache won't get worse
i cried when i'm home ..don't know why i was feeling this feel
everything is in a mess ...i feel i'm missing something ...

i'm okay ..!!

well i was stuck the whole day yesterday .. my sister was having lunch with us  ,,my day started with cleaning & preparing food ..and i ended up studying till el Fajr
the exaaaaam was soooooo goooood really ...but ..i was stupid ..
well i was late for exam...then i solved in wrong way..then it was about wasting the half time allowed !!
anyway i was happy ^_^ ..don't know why ?
i kept laughing since i got out / i was kinda loud today !! :\
i reallly believe as they said ..this is the best exam over the years ...but i ended up with nothing .:)
anyway...it's alright :)..

31 march :))

1st Time attending  a music Concert ^_^ 

it was amazing ^_^ ... i never thought that a music concert will be much fun like that :)
it really deserve to try someday ..
it was a Band like Cairokee ..called 3alama ..which is a nice one and sings
the same type like Cairokee ...^_^
and my next step is to attend a concert to Cairokee coz they are my favorite ^_^
i really enjoyed it :) =)
it wasn't boring
maybe this was my 1st & last time to attend something like that
it just happen coz they were at college last Thursday 
i just like to try new things
and i really wanted to try this even for once =))
nice really ..it's Fun & changes the mood
simply it made me happy <3 

30 march

...........................................

i returned to write in my own note ..it seem being busy make me do this
this is even much better so i won't be late for writing or even to forget what i wanted to write
well ..somehow i find sometimes to write  even how i'm busy
i feel kinda it's boring ...:\
my midterm exams will be for the whole week starting from 21 April
this is much better than separated days
and my FB ,,turning to be a TimeLine
this annoys me * now it's not really :) *
but somehow i'll get used to it ...i hate it when i look at my profile * really i don't now *
i love Covers * yes* ..there is good ideas & buttons in it ..
in the end .. things are all over my head
i think & believe Tomorrow is  better than Today :)

26th march 2012

* Dreams of Childhood#1 *

one of my many dreams when i was a child was .
i wanted to be a teacher ,,yes a teacher for two reasons :)
to watch for students in exams ... w el tas7ee7 =)
don't know why i'm liking this stuff soo much
i know this is such a waste of time
but still i want to try it once :)
and about explaining lessons
i'm the worst at that , somehow ..no one
understands me in the real life :\ can some students do in a class !!
the Dream was killed coz ...
1st .. i'm in Engineering faculty
2nd .. i didn't even get the good degrees to be a teacher there =))

STuckkkkkkk

^_^ ..as always ..i was supposed to study this week ..this week was off for that reason
but still i'm wasting time here and there > :D ..
my midterm exams ..are next week ...which will be one of the worst weeks ever
coz i haven't study ..and there are 4 subjects ..i don't know what they even talk about
so in shortly ..i'm Lost ...
seriously i can't help myself ...everytime i decide something i fall asleep
and i don't sleep well ..one more excuse ..for what i'm through ..
so tomorrow is my last chance to open the papers not books ^_^ ..
i keep telling my self ..All is well ..everything will be okay ...
the week will pass like anyother ..and exams too ..
since when and i have feelings for exams ..
but really need some push and encouragement :|
i think that's it ... and i can be a super person
and study well :)..

i made a desicion today i mean yesterday !

i don't want to get married !!!...
i think it might be selfishness to think that way ..but this is the 1st time to talk about my dream
i really want to get married to my soul mate who haven't come yet ...and mom & dad beside me
and have that kind of a love story like fairy tales ..like movies... and live happily ever after
that was my dream for sooo long ...but it's not that way
it's never like we imagine or the picture we draw in our head ..
reality is harder ...
who really can love some one like me ?? or even like me ??
i don't think there will be someone like that ...just on my imagination..
not in reality ...
someone like me ..needs a super different one ..u can say one from another planet :)
some one who will be kind to me ..and never say i'm a child :\
i just need supporting ..
i love to
watch anime .Japanese ...& watch Indian movies
and watch Korean drama ...
i speak too many languages ..
i'm bad when i'm angry ... this not happen much
i love drawing ..acting ..and i wish if i can dubbing anime & cartoons ..with my voice =D
i love reading , writing . inventing paper stuff
crochting , knitting ...
i really need some1 like me ..or having a similar soul :)..
so he can be my soulmate ^_^
having much on common ..

it's Al Fajr... time ran out ..i must goo .. but i'll continue tomorrow in shaa Allah in this same post

 even that dream i wanted to have a love story like fairy tales ..or like the one i wrote
i really admired the hero in my story ..wish if this was true :\
but still it's just in movies..., not even a chance ...
well maybe coz i don't feel good .i mean people no one really mention me ..or thank me ..or say anything about me..it's like i don't exist .. but i'm going used to it * i really don't need that stuff like thanks and this things ..well i do things and i never wait for anything in return ..i just forgive anyone easily ..that's it * :| ...
after all ...i'm good at hiding my feelings inside me & deal with it and get over it inside myself
that's enough ..
i think i'll take my time to get over that
i don't wanna get married that kind based on *salonat * blind meetings i can say ..
it's terribly bad ...in the end ..most of them ..no one really appreciate u in the end ...
just wasting time meeting  jerks all the time ..:@..
i really wanna it be like someone know me ..came to me in his complete awareness ..with everything i do ..my childish thoughts ...i'm some times very talkative ..sometimes no matter how hard u try to talk with me .. i don't even spell a word ..ahhh & the most important is someone accepts ..my Crazy ideas the whole time ^_^..
i think no one still thinking about me ..:D..that's soo bad & sad :|
but i believe if there is me exist in this world ..at least there will be one more person like me ^_^
i believe sooo :)..
in the end this all nonsense ...just talking and i do nothing at all
..coz like a fool ..if some one asked my parents to come ..
i can't refuse the 1st meetings ...not because i want this ..but
i really don't wanna mom & dad ..be sad because of me ...
so i'll go ..and then refuse later ...u 'll tell me why go in the 1st place then refuse ..
coz here they 'll get mad about i'm refusing meeting others and bla bla bla
in the end ..i just had one meeting in my life ..and i wish this never happen again specially this type of things ..coz it made me angry :@
that's why i really don't wanna anyone i don't know & he don't know me ..to ask about me ..
i hate this really !!  :(
ah plus it's soo stupid that people who marry just to get married without putting many things on mind  !!! ...
like my sister mother in law ..she keeps the old talking bla bla bla :@..
it's like if u don't get married u'll die ..!!!
and from the whole bla bla bla bla she was telling us
she means like accept anyone that comes to u ..y u care about his work or his education
as long he is a good muslim !!!!
and looking to other girls status ..not easy to get one
 it made me feel like ..ohhh i'm 40 years old ..and i missed the whole fantastic  men in the world
believe me ..i don't regret refusing anyone i've  refused ..
i was going to explode ..but my patience was good ..
i keep listening ..withour adding comments
coz i believe in not to enter  a conversation with someone who will never
understand ur point of view ..!!
so i closed my mouth ..coz i know no matter how i tried to explain to some1 like her ..
she will never get this ..
come on i'm still 20 ..and i wanna take my time &..live my life ..be patient in my choices
not anyone .. and she told me wt .. i think u r that kind * kind that not talks or have much requests * ..and she was going to bring me
someone what .. haven't completed  education & time b4 ..someone was previously married
how is she thinking !!!??
wow i'm super strong and patient that i controlled myself & my mouth :@
this people really made me hate everyone ..even marriage itself
really this made me sad for a time ...thank Allah .,,that i haven't met anyone that way
what makes that happen and  no one asks for me ..coz i'm having elder sisters
no one will come seeking for the youngest till the eldest get married
that's why i'm happy at this moment ..coz i've time  and to be safe
from such people ..such meetings ...
yeah and after how we were helpful to brother in law ...
jerko come back asking to meet father again and make things work .!!
will why he left in the 1st place and yet come back after the wedding !!
simply two words ..it's greed
1st place he left * Alhamdulilah this is the best thing ever* ..coz he felt i'm too much ..
and a pretty , educated & intellectual..would asks for more and be a heavy
plus our minds never the same ... i have much interests ..he is empty ..have nothing in head ..
in the end it's not coz of me .. this kind of person just wanna marry to be married ..doesn't matter who is the girl is ...
they keep asking over & over & over to back ...and we refused  once , twice , and too many
this really makes me sickkkkkkkkk really  !!  ..

i don't have much hopes ..i don't care of he is poor , rich or whatever ..this is not the thing in my mind ..& i don't care for that ..
yes i believe there must be close education level
have many thing in common ..so that it'll be something good& something to talk about
close politics views ...so u can reach to each other easily ...close  in thinking ..that's it
yeah mind are what really attracts me ..yes ..if someone empty headed ..i won't ever think about
it's about thoughts & way of thinking ..this in my opinion the key to personality type
in many many ways
and not smoking and good muslim ..sure
this is the things i look for
good Muslim - no smoking - brilliant mind  ..*someone attracts me by his thinking *

the most important thing that he knew me ...this  okay with me ..
still this is the hardest decision that anyone can make ..:\
as long there is someone like my best friend mayada who understands me without saying a word ...
this is a relief ...there maybe someones who will be able to understand me in the end
i'm not complicated at all ..some can  understand me & that's a good thing ..:)
i just wanna take my time ..and some people i wish if they stop interfering with my business
i will wait for the right person for me no matter how long it will take
it's a life time..many years ..at least u have to choose carefully ..
and in the end
Better to be with no one ...than to be with the wrong one..
this is how i'm thinking ..
i believe when u wait more and be patient more ..then in the end ..
i'll end up with what i wanted ..that's how i believe :)

a lone ..10th april

somehow ..i'm feeling alone ... there is such emptiness inside me that i guess no one can fill it ..:\
i don't know what to do ...i built my own imaginary world and lived in it .
so i won't suffer or feel bad of anything ...:\
my close sister got married 3 weeks & 4 days ago ..* today she completes a month *
i thought i'd be  feeling bad , sick & crying the whole time ..
but i didn't feel anything at all ... i don't even think about her ...
yeah i confess it ...1st day was the only day i cried alot ..i woke up crying ..crying tooo much ..that it was hard to breathe ..and all the left makeup on my eyes flow with the tears ...
i kept trying hard to hide my tears from every one specially mom & dad ...i cried alot that day .. my eyes let people know .. i was terribly sick ..i didn't want to do anything ..i kept crying like a fool
i was crying just because i realized too  many things ..i didn't realize it earlier ..
that dina will no longer live with us .. no more talking b4 sleeping ...  no more playing together ..
no more manythings we used to do together ..even if she came ..it never going to be the same as b4 ... i kept thinking that this is a selfishness of me to think that way ....
i know i treated her badly the last few days b4 she leaves ...i was acting like .. i'm strong enough to live without u ...and i don't care.. hell yeah ..i'm good at acting and hiding my feelings ..
i hold my tears till she left and i let.. them .. i made a promise to myself that day
that this is the only day i'll think about her ...the last day to think and cry ..
that's what she choose ..she is happy ..so i must feel happy for her ..and not to cry like fools and make her feel bad or anything ...and to not make my parents thinks that i'm sad or anything
i just cried for 2 hours ...and since then i've not even thought about her or miss her ..
don't know what going on ..?!!... is that coz i buried this feelings ...
or i'm a strong person .??!!... or i just wanna run away of this
i'm kinda feeling complicated this day ,, mixed feelings ...i'm not happy or sad
i can''t explain what i really feel ,
but i feel lonely ..and i think i'm going to get used to it ..
i'm a boring person ..
i'm not introvert in real life ..
i'm an extrovert and laugh & smiles the whole time ..but still i feel suffering inside ..
some sadness inside ..don't know ...i 've been always like this
people kept  envy me for my smile ..that i'm smiling the whole time as if i have nothing to worry about
they never know ,,what i even been through ...i really hate to talk to other about what annoys me or what i'm afraid of ..or what made me sad ...
coz i really hate to see others sad...for that i keep being happy ..*pretending*
and i'm strong enough to get over this sadness inside my heart ...
i'm good actor at hiding emotions espicially sadness , depression  ..but i'm not an actor when it comes to someone i don't bear
i just spell the words without i even care whether it hurts or not ..
it's written  on my face ...well in the end i don't lie to others ...
it's a strange  :|

friday 13th april

* Need someTime by myself *
 1st scene :)
Now i'm sitting in silence .. eating my Chocolate cake i've made=)
and thinking that i really need sometime alone !! far from everything ..
2nd :
imagining myself with a glass full of guava juice & bananas & apple pieces in it ..and i'm eating it in a silence :)
3rd 
i'm having a fruit salad and i reallly reallly enjoying it :D
4th :
ii'm having Icecream and all i can say * it's the longer lasting mood * ^_^
5th :
i'm sitting on an old designed  bed ..it's high ... and i'm short ..soo  i'm swinging me leg ..moving my head right and left ..listening to some music ...can't define it !!

this is from the amazing entertainment ..but still

i'm already feel lonely ..
thinking the whole time
don't know what to d o
feel sooo empty ..although there are many things i want to do
but still this is not what fills my heart ..:\

tooo many posts :|

well i have many many posts on my head & on my notebook ...so i'll be typing them :)

one loong post for nothing

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash ....well i don't know what to talk about .. but there is something weird about me ..!!!
listening to some specific politician ..really makes me happy ..the same like when i listen to someone who talks in the same *directions* just like me ... i become sooooo happy
well it's been along time i've been searching for wt really makes me happy /
like helping others makes me happy ..doing something i wanted to do makes me happy too
when i finish something or do something i never done ..this makes me happy
while i'm not really a happy person inside..but ..i'm trying to solve this little problem inside
i may have a shining ideas ..looks the happiest person ever ..the one who have nothing to worry about ..always smiling ...the truth ..there is a big war inside my mind ..which make my feelings unstable //

my friends kinda lose hope that i'm a normal person ..they really thinks that i'm someone from outer space *shhhh keep it a secret*...well i'm seeing myself as a normal one..very normal :D
but ...well ..all i can say ..i'm not easy to be understand-ed ..well i really find it hard to find someone who really can understand some strange person like me ..i think there is not...
but i think again & i find out that as long that some creature  like me is existing in this world ..that mean..there willl be many others ^_^.. and i'm hoping ...
it's not this only ...sometimes when i have a headache ..once i start talking & talking & talking
headache is gone !!!...i think in the end it's all about how i feel .. maybe talking make me feel better :)...like this happens when i don't talk for a long time and have been silent !!!
the question is why i'm a wake now ..and i almost sleepy ...i was working the whole day since i woke up
i made the food * ma7shy* and * mol5ya*..and i cleaned the stairs ..and i cleaned the 1st floor today ...and in the end * 3'aseel* ..opps!!and i didn't went to college & see Dr.Aboul Fotouh
i really missed this meeting today ..well lets forget about this ..at least i've been busy helping at home :).. no matter how much i wanted to go ..but in the end i had to give it up for something more important :)...
well i'm still a wake coz i'm downloading a link which still 1 hour remain :\
well in this time i'll try to finish all the talking i wanted to talk ... now i'm really feeling soo lonely
that u my blog is the only place i can talk .. i don't want solution.. i just need to say it all ..just to feel better ...it's all about this ..like u just need someone to listen to ur nonsense talking ..:)..i just have a mixed feelings .... mn trakom 7agat keteeer w le fatraaat tweela :|..
so feom now on i will just talk about things i do & makes me happy :)..

 

in shaa Allah :)

i 've about more than 6 posts i wrote on my notebook ...my diary & i bought a new one today ..coz the existing one is about to finish .. so i have to type it here ..
but some how ..writing with ur own hands is soooo much fun :)...i mean not with a keyboard :)

i got my passport :)

i got my passport on monday ... i was happy that i can make some of my dreams by this little thing
:)..

i know i've been late ..

i know ..lately i'm losing it all ... don't know wt to do  ...i'm even  haven't time to write here as i used to ... i miss typing sooo much .. i miss many things here ..but still things will be the same

for a while ... kinda desperate :\

i wanted to go ...so badly :\

tomorrow is the day i've been waiting since along time.. i wanted to attend for DR.Abdel men3em Aboul Fotouh ..tomorrow is the day & in college ..but from all days
i'll not be able to go :(( ...
things like this makes me happy ...
but others happiness is more important ...
my sister was going to travel this friday ..but some problems happened so it'll be delayed for a week ..but she is coming to spend the day with us ..and have lunch with us tomorrow ..as a last time
coz we will not see her for months ... so i can't leave mom alone to do all the things ...and mom chooses that day ...coz it's my day off ...
everyone told me to finish working and then go to attend this event...but ..i can't .. so i'll will leave the gathering lunch for going .. to miss this day ...
i've been under a huge choices ..which i'm not even able to do the easiest things ...
kinda lost...
still don't know whether i'm going or not ...but mostly not going it's like 75% not going
but i still hoping :\ ...

long time

well life was soo busy ..and still
nowadays i'm writting on my diary note book ..it's easy so i can't forget
i know my blog i love it .....i'll write all wt i've been writing  the few past days :)..
but it'll take me time ..coz i'm tooooooo busyyyyy
my midterm exams after 2 weeks and i haven't studied
well better to say there is subjects i don't know anything about
it's a bad thing
hope i focus & finish this exams ...:)