8 months left :O

well i gave up the stupid fighting in my head
and i decided to give it a try
everyone seems to be happy
it's no longer about me & myself anymore
8 months for the wedding is the longest time we could get ..max possible
i mean it's much better than 3 months !!
so i'll use them carefully to know everything
in shaa Allah .. all for the best ..
although i'm not feeling afraid or nervous about the wedding word
it seem too close ..and i seem like i don't care :D
let's hope for the best in the mean time :)

is it true ? or i'm just running away ?!! :\

everytime i feel this ..i don't know what to do ..i'm confused ..
i can't say yes ..i can't say no .. i just don't know ..as i feel nothing
i also forget those people faces too fast
there are 2 important facts
1st : good people meet good people
that's why whoever we meet is a good ones
2nd and i wish this society understand that
there are too many good people ..and being good people both doesn't mean we should end together .. like not because he is a good one ..i suppose to end with him 
there are many things no matter how hard i try to explain
no one will ever understand ..that's why i'll keep silent till the very end :)

anyway i can't rely in this in my opinion whether i should continue or say no
it's hard to say ...really ..and as a good people we are always afraid to judge a wrong judgment ..as we really believe is that * كما تدين تدان *
what u do for others *bad thing* ..it'll happen 4 u surely
that's what make us...like no matter how bad or dying i may feel i can't say something
according to just feelings ..i must have a solid reason for that * the worst thing in this society* for refusing a good guy with bla bla bla bla -_-

1st i was soo angry ..i gave up my dreams ..the man of my dreams ..i choose to forget about it all ..for what !! i gave up * such an idiot*
- and i forgot about all things that might stand in my way .. i thought this is the best thing
this was a good move ..as now i feel free from many things
then i lost my dreams as i wondered everything about dreams are wrong they keep saying never give up , keep believing ..in the end u'll get it ..but never ...none of my dreams happened ..no matter how i believed and filled  my heart with hopes 4 it ..
i was soo angry .. i was blinded ...but now i know one thing
maybe this wasn't the right thing and it's not the good 4 me ..so i felt much better :)

but no matter how i try to compare things together..still can't say ..no matter how i explain no one understands*this really kills me*  ..they want to be happy ..and me too i want to be happy and get married ..but i can't get married to just anyone ..there must be something special in the 1st meeting ...*like i always sensed in my whole life situations :\ *
but nothing happen it's all like i'm talking to myself  ..finally i said ..i let all this thoughts go
i'll think as my radar can't get the real feeling for the situation ..my radar has broken down  maybe thinking too much made me confused and people keep pissing me off ..that's why i'm mistaken about this ..i'll ignore this
i'll keep going as u want ..i'm not losing i'll keep myself at peace
as i believe that this feelings is protected 4 the only one ..just one ..

finally i found out the real thing over all this stuff ان تكون مع الله عز وجل
i'm only having Allah by my side ..the only one understands me ..the only one knows me well ..the only one knows what is the best for me .. so i'll shut up ..and continue
as i believe in Allah will help me ...will give me the best ..no matter how bad i'm .. and i'll love all Allah gives me  ^^
 * He created me and he knows what perfectly suits me *
i admit it i was too far from Allah  for the past 5 months ...i really didn't recognize it's that long :((.. OMG !!..it's just tiring .. i know Allah is calling me to get back to him and be the way i used to be ... so i need to get closer and read Quran ..and ask Allah for forgiveness :(

and If this is my punishment , i'll accept it 
i'll do my best.. i'll try hard 
i'll change for the best , because i can't lose the future 
i can lose now & today ..but not my future 

i won't cry as i know crying won't prevent anything from happening ..and won't change what will happen 
but still i can hope for the best .. and pray for it 

as long as i know and believe in Allah's wisdom and Allah always choose the best for us
i'm sure Allah will choose the best for me  ...so i'll stop thinking and worrying about this 
فقط سأتركها لله واستعين بالله 
فان كان خيرا فسيسره الله لى 
وانا كان شرا سيبعده الله عنى
هكذا اؤمن وهكذا ما سيحدث 
يااارب

boring -_-

everything is boring like hell ...my friends each one of them day after day go farther..from 6 to 2 :| ..really nothing ever stays the same ..
since our group is just 2 with me ...1 is lost by sleeping ..the 2nd is busy with her complicated engagement...
yeah i admit it i miss college days ..i feel lonely ..i miss talking with my friends ..but i understand how busy their life is .. :\ someday i'll be super busy and have no free time :|
i miss college ..feel so free it kills me ..but i won't apply to any job till my sister leaves !!
i'm even too lazy to do anything ..to read ..to learn ..to crochet ..it's all boring even watching dramas ..too boring ...i'm the biggest loser  ever .. i need a lift up ...
i wanna wake up this soul ..
why am i feeling too bad !?
ast3'fr Allah el 3azeem
it's 2:30 am ..it's too cold ..why can't i sleep ?? i feel soo bad ..i don't sleep any much
hardly sleep ...why why !? :\ why i'm thinking too much !!?
that's what i hate ..some peace of mind ..all i need
i don't even know why i'm doing this to myself
i just wish thing get better ...i should leave fb for a while ..so i can't notice that no one there..
i always have the intentions ..but never do what i want
i need to be doer than a thinker ..at the mean time ..so i can have some mind peace
and my soul can rest for a bit ..don't know what future might hold for me :\
i think i need to try harder to encourge myself..in the end we all just have ourselves
and i hope today in 2nd blind meeting ..to go well if this is the best 4 me
i don't want more shocks :| or wasting time ..:| i gave up my dream man

everything will be okay i Believe

no matter what ..i believe
no matter what the end will be
it'll be the best *5eer* for me ..i believe
i think this heart don't beat ..just the calm feel ..nothing more
no rapid heartbeats ..just normal ones :\

This Time i was like a Robot ..Emotionless ..
my heart was cold just like the weather ..thanks weather

that's growing up .. facing whatever without feelling anything ..not afraid 
just * motwakel 3ala Allah * knowing whatever happens is for the best 
so u will be relaxed  
growing up ..is accepting that ur life won't be much as ur thoughts & dreams 
i'll just live in silence :)
 

it's okay let's see

nothing much to say .. i don't feel anything anymore ..
i can't even get the things i wish 4 & i won't cry for that ..maybe it's not good for me
i gave up ..i lose .. i can't hold to my dreams any longer ..:\
i don't care who is the one than i'm gonna spend my life with forever
i'm no longer care .. this is not much important now
all i want is understanding , trust , respect ...
i want to do something good in my life .. life is short
i don't want to waste much time
 .. i hate rotine and ordinary things
but i will swallow all this ..i can ...i can gave up the dream of the best soul-mate
coz no matter how i'll hold onto this dream..i'm so weak to fight 4 it with my life
coz society ..it's all about society .. these thoughts that killed many bright people
coz it's not a thing i can handle ..i can't do anything ..but dream & thinking
so if i gave up this dream that's very important as it for the rest of my life
i won't give the other dreams .. i'm afraid to give all it up ..then how can i live :((
i can't & i don't want to give up my future dream of other things 
i want to have a career with my own thoughts , work ..
build my own self ..without any one stopping me from becoming the person i want to be
i want someone to understand me and support me soulfully..

no matter how many people might encourage u ..it's all words and written things
real world and society ..have another word
 just make anyone hate that they were born girls :\

 

it's been a long time

how i become like this !!
how could i do this !!
i can't believe i forgot my blog
for this long time
it's strange ..boring ... and scary
this blog just makes me sad ..:(
do i have to delete it ?! :\

sad :((

i don't know what to say :(
i'm deeply sad
i can't believe
it's really hard
:'((

حقا اشعر بالامتنان ^^

هناك اشخاص مقدر لهم العيش فقط فى احلامنا
اسعادنا فقط فى احلامنا
ليسوا اشخاصا مجهولون تماما ..بلا اشخاص نعرفهم فى حياتنا
ولكن لم نحظى يوما بفرصة محادثتهم
نعلم عنهم الكثير من تلك الاحلام بدون ان يعلموا شيئا عنا
غريبة هى الاحلام كانها تصطنع احداثا ليست موجودة فى الواقع
تكتمل الاحلام كسلسلة من الاحداث ..احيانا مرتبة واحيانا غير مرتبة
حتى وان تكون مجرد كذبة ووهم وليست حقيقة
عالم من الخيال نعيشه كل فترة ويجلب لنا السعادة
هؤلاء الاشخاص يستحقون الشكر ..لانهم فى احلامنا برغم اننا لا نعرفهم لم يخذلونا
واستطاعوا اسعادنا ، بعكس الكثير فى الحقيقة
لذا سيظل هذا العالم الخيالى ن الغامض ,الغريب
مثير دائما وجميل
 ..حقا من يستحق الشكر هذا العقل الذى اصطنع تلك الاحداث الخيالية
فقط لاسعادنا واخراجنا من حالة كان من الصعب علينا اخراج نفسنا منها
فشكرا عقلى على كل شئ <3

will it flower again this September ?

i'm tired ..as i said before ..this special month always carry something good , not really good ..but something shocking ..surprising ..specially for those who are born in it >
i've said earlier that 2013 is the same like 2010 >> i can call it the worst year of my life
and yet i can't find something happy in them .. :\
although i was hoping much from this year , but it came to it's end for me this august
it had alot of tiring & sad things ..
and suffering from a deep pain since my health wasn't good for days ..and wt made it worse ..that my soul was in a bad state ..i lost all my powers by the end of ramadan and the last 3 days of Ramadan was hard for me .. as i collapsed
it was a mix of everything ..a state that it's hard for me to get out of it ..
feel lost ..have nothings ..i'm nothing .. people not the way we think they are
u r the only one who can help urself in this whole life ..
i was a bit shocked of many many things ..that it hurt me a lot .. still hurting me
i know this all from my weak self ..that couldn't even help itself :((
i felt like i'm going crazy ..my heart was going to explode from everything ..i'm no more patient for anything ..i cried evey day .. but nothing changed ..just crying every day and hiding the tears .. no one really knows ..i don't even know what wrong with me
i just lost my way for a little bit ..maybe not alittle ..i lost it all ..
i wish to be myself that i've known for along time ..but it's hard
every time it's harder ..:((
realizing many things ... i'm not the one i used to be .. i'm different
everything is different :|

after along fight with myself ..mind and soul ..healing that really is going to take  along time this time
i finally was able to find myself again ..it was just the start ..but i just get back 5 steps back..nearly to the start of August ..my self fighting gone :\

by the 1st day of september i got a new confession and a half
this put me in a deep and a sad mood .. i'm hurt ..angry and feeling sick
like dying
i refused the feelings of the full confession ..and the other half is waiting to complete it
realizing the there are people trying to get to you for years
one or 2 or 4 .. everyone have a specific hard times ..trying to get my attention and to finally tell me ...i'm grateful for them all .. but i can't accept all this feelings ..one will just be accepted ..so i feel sorry ..:|
i'm the 1st love of that ..and the 2nd for that ..and not even counting number  for that ....
it's hard to tell what will happen ..there are people if they say it ..i will accept their feelings happily ..
some tells u they love you , some tells u they hate you
sometimes you get in a bad mood and feel suffocating by the confession of love by  someone ...
and be happy when some specific people when they say they hate you
seriously ..it's not the love words that the girls seek for or will fall for it
it really depends on the person who says the words ..if he is someone acceptable for her or not
that's the point .. :)
not because it's a love words ..i will be fully happy and say yes and this stuff
i think  i really like this stuff like surprising ..and getting accepted
but reality isn't like a show, or a movies ..that why we like this things ..coz eveything is simple not like this world ..but what in movies stays in movies ..
it's a bigger decision to make in your whole entire life ..which you can't  make a single mistake
maybe it's too much of me ..maybe i don't get it
maybe i don't know what i really want
but seriously why i'm not happy after hearing this ??!!
for me it have one explanation .. which is ..
this is all wrong ..those aren't the right for me .. :((
do i make it big ?!!
i don't know ... i don't understand anything anymore ..
i just want to find myself ..
and
i didn't refuse the half confession ..
if it completes i think i might accept it  .. 90% i will ..
i may not feeling sad nor happy about it ..
but i'm comfortable with it .. :\

people we really like and we are comfortable with are the ones takes along time to say something , this in case they even say something :\\

 it's better to be with someone who loves you ,,than to be with someone you don't know
this is how i think

i wish my heart stop complaining and start to feel many things around
i'm starting to think that i'm really cold ..or maybe it's because nothing is right !!!! :-?


i know the question is a bit stupid it never flowers in september , it's impossible
:\
even if it were impossible i still wish it to flower again :)

 

i'm back ..need Healing :\

it has been 2 weeks ..since i wanted to type many things
but i'm always tired ... can't focus ..kinda lost .. sick all the time
like now i'm about to sleep ..but hardly forcing myself to stay awake
there are many things in my mind that i wanna say
it's tiring that ...all this hidden and painful feelings ..which killing me slowly
are still kept inside 
i need a new start ..i need something refreshing
my soul is deeply exhausted ..needs to heal
i'm so sleepy that i can't even think or type all what i want to
i think i will give up today and go to sleep -_-

Back after very long time :\

مر الوقت سريعا كعاصفة قصيرة المدى
لازلت اعانى من اثارها حتى الان
ويبدو ان ذلك سيستمر لبضعه اسابيع قادمة
لا استطيع قول الكثير
هناك العديد من الاشياء تغيرت
تعلمت الكثير -_-
راضية انا عما اعانى منه الان
والحمدلله على كل شئ
كل العواصف مهما كانت شدتها وحدتها تمر
بالصبر والايمان ستمر
بقوتهما معا وباستعانتك بالله ستمر
كل شئ ينتهى لا شئ يستمر للابد
فقط النهايات سعيدة
اعنى اؤمن اننا سأفرح اليوم وغدا
واليوم الذى يليه واليوم الذى يليه
قوة ايمانى بان الغد افضل ما يكون تتعدى الحدود
فقط سأتفائل واعتمد على الله ربى
وباذن ربى سأسعد ويفرح قلبى
:)

sensei ^^

closed

nothing to say :)

deactivating !!! :\..totally exhausted

i have deactivated my FB account since last thrusday .. and i was going to type how everyday passed ..but this didn't matter anyway.. coz i don't feel anything ..i don't miss my FB ..well i miss it a little .. but not to reactivate it sooner...

so i feel so sorry for the people i made them to worry ..or sad ..or wtever ..
i'm really sorry ..it maybe selfish thing to just think about myself
that's why i'm deeply sorry

i;m afraid i won't be able to come back b4 the end of April ..
coz i really need this ..need to use my time more wisely
it's just 2 months to final exams...i'm lost ..
i need a real recharging my powers ..feel so powerless ..
i need to study for my last chance ...it's only 2 months left ..
i should be stronger and fight all this distraction
i decided to just focus on my studies 4 the coming 3 months ..
i don't care ..it's just 3 months , not along time ..and i really have to help myself
i can't ask anyone for help , not easy for me ...
although i haven't done anything yet ..but still i hope i'll do better tomorrow
i want to do it better this time .. it's just for my sake ..
its time to do something for me ..i've been so careless about myself for years
i don;t want to do any mistakes ..

i hate to regret ..i don't want to regret it later
that i was able to do something & i didn't work hard for it
no matter how tired i feel , sad or whatever ..
suffocated and don't feel like wanna do anything
i'll fight this all ,,i 'll be a better person ..
even for once in my life... i will do it
maybe it's hard & harder to fight this
maybe my powers are wasted on this fighting ..
i have to be patient ..the begining is always the hardest ..
even if i feel i can't be patient these days ...
still i'll find away ...i have to do it ...i will do it ..in shaa Allah

so for who cares ..maybe they are very few ..but i just don't wish  to see u sad or bored ..or worried ...i'm okay ..even if not ..i'll try to be better ..just wait

i'm exhausted  very exhausted  ... i feel tired & need more sleep ..need healing
so i will listen first what myself wish to do ..i'll do it ..
step by step ....gradually 
in the End i'll get to wt  i want :)

Gasuem apaseo nettomonae apawaseo :\

i heard someone someday said : " many things are better to be left unsaid "
also
- it's better to be misunderstood than to say something hurts others ...
so i choose to be silent ..don't care anymore for wt others think of me ..:|

so if i ignored u someday .. that's for your own good ..
it hurts every time i see you ....

this song stuck in my head :((

====

가지마

this word .. if someone said it ..would it be different ..!??
*ga-ji-ma*
i really don't know..till now ...the few ones told me so
this didn't make me change my mind
or i just need to hear it from someone else!!
if so , who could be that ?
it's strange ...
i wish someone tell me so , & when they said it , it didn't change anything
maybe coz even when those close people told me so ..they are the ones that always with me,-group of friends- -family-
so that won't make a difference ..

few months ago ..i wrote the word in my left hand :D
anyway i didn't know that my handwriting were that good ^^

49يوم

1day left

i'm at my worst ..i didn't want to type anything or to say anything
and if i keep silent people complain more ..
and if i talk ..i'll say harsh words ...then they get hurt
anyway nothing can be done
i'm annoyed , depressed , disappointed , feel bad , hate myself ,bored ,....
every possible bad feelings ..i feel it right now ..i'm sad
and that what i shouldn't be .. i'd rather be angry than sad
anyway being angry will help my to do many things ..so this power will be wasted
but being sad ..just make us lazy ..powerless ..doing nothing...and i don't want that
i don't want to waste more time
i hate myself ..coz i wasted this whole day ..without even alittle useful thing
i'm afraid that i shouldn't be trusting myself ..for doing what i want to do
it always get sad or sick ..and don't do anything .. i end up the same
no matter how changes i made ..sometimes i get to start all over again
i can't sleep well ...i need a break ..:'(
i don't know what's wrong with me ..i can't be like that not now
i should put some deadline to that black mood :\
by the end of this month i'll be completely better ..no more of this
i can't lose this time ..i can't miss last months of college ..
i should have the power to fight ..even for this coming 3 months
i don't want to be lazy
i don't want to fail this time
i want to do good this time
i want to prove many things
i want to do many things
why can't i help myself ?
why things keep on getting complicated !!?
why i can't breathe well this days?

so i'm resting for a time ..i'm taking a break ..
i'm deactivating FB tomorrow
don't know when to come back
this time ..i will be back ..only if i get better
not like the 1st time when i came back after 20% done ..
this time i'll back after 100% and 100% are done
i can't lose this time
i must save myself
people who love me sure will support me
coz they want me to be better :)
so just be patient for a long while ..it won't be little i know
but
i'll be back for sure :)..better ..^^

dreams

the reason we are no longer dreaming of each other
is just because we can't sleep anymore :\

325

this day passed ..nothing important happened ..
although i thought it would be different ..
as this 3 numbers ..were the most 3 i 've been seeing for years ..
it's tiring
it's boring ...very  very boring ..
i feel lazy & tired to do anything
i want to wake uppppppp ...
i just want to :\

^^

------

it's not easy :|

Last Week :)

this will be the Last week for many thing in my life
last week of being lost .. closing FB ...finishing many things i started
and do wt i promised ...
i'll go on a long trip to find myself
wish no one stop me ..
although this words seem too harsh ..
we keep wanting someone to stop us or help us
that deep need of someone to say that
something like * stay ,don't leave please * or * stay let;s help each other or i will help you  *
but this is all imaginations ..nothing like that really happens ..
this is just thoughts ..like the thought that maybe someday
someone show up and say * u never know how long i waited for this chance to tell u many & many * like someone knows a lot about u from along time ago ..a year or two ..whatever
but still this things never happens ..that why this thoughts will be buried in my head
someone like me will end normally ..just Blind meetings
so i can't be greedy for more .. but still i can't erase that little dream of meeting someone who knows me ..that better for me ..i think :|
why i always turn to be so dramatic :D
back to main subject 
more important
many changes will be done this week
to achieve my goals
and be better person
and to do as i promised myself
i can't fail this time
coz it's now or never
i hope this time i succeed to do what i want
and to find myself ..and to be abetter person
^^

:\ :\ :\

formspring is closing permanently  :\
although i don't use this site much ..but i felt bad
reminded me of another website i used to use * Tickle* which also closed in the end of 2008
and they made a new one like it *testq* but no one liked it like tickle ...
which made me go to Facebook
all this thing is tiring

anyway ..after long time thinking what to do ..
i find it , i'm not that kind of person who can run away even if i want to
i can leave in peace .
so i decided to deactivate my FB accout for some time .. this time it will be longer
i wanna have some free space far from eveything , everyone ..
i'll just use my Blog & my Goodreads account .. just for a simple life
wish no one tries to stop me ..
coz this days ..i wasn't going to be here in Egypt ..
i was going to Ksa ..to perform 3omra .. but things didn't work
coz my studies and many more ..so i was waiting for it  the most
and i wanted it too badly
but things didn't work
so i've to find something better to do now
as long i;m here this year :((
i wanted to go ..i really made up my mind ...
i needed it ..and right now i need it
but i can't do anything ...
so i'll take my own rest ...
by the ways i can
it's not running away ...i'm just resting
before anything could happen
i'm not afraid to face my fears ,,or anything
i just need time by myself ..to think deeply about
what i really want , what am i going to do with my life next ?
many other things ..
i just need some peace :)

it's a Headache :'(

1st time in college ..to cry over a result ..it's not really about the degrees
it was because of other people :\
i knew that i won't get much ..coz if i wanted to ..i was going to do more effort
Although this exams i did better than last years.. but degrees are worse :\
this make me sad every year ..but ..i get over it quickly ..so i can live
i'm not that kind to cry over degrees ..i care for Health more :|
what really annoyed me ..i felt  suffocation ..
it really annoy me when people who are good at studies ..keeps whining about what if they fail a subject...and if looking to their degrees in midterms ..it's good ones ..and they even don;t have to get the half of finals to pass ..but it just like let's make everyone nervous
i just don't like who just come and ruin the atmosphere .

what happened today wasn't the 1st time for me..i heard this kind stuff most of times
but today it hurted me :((

someone came to us asking about something ..and started talking about how worried is she
the results ..and it's bad ..and this kinda rumors b4 every exam ...
i wanted to make her feel better and not to worry like that ..she was in a bad stats
so the same question we all ask to make others feel better  and to calm them down
how much did u get midterms?
it was a high enough degree for her to not worry ..so we all keep telling her that she is going to pass do not to worry..This didn't work
i told her ..if u are like this ..what should i do ? when my degree is even less than the half?!!
she responded :( u shut up , u don't even attend , i don't see in college ..i wish if i were like u ,,,,,,.........................)
means the cold person who isn't moved by the results ..the person who don't care ..and the person who laughs the whole time
this annoyed me ..i didn't add anything and kept silence ..

i heard this many times in the past few years so ..and many like why u always laughing smiling ..sometimes with a sarcasm smile ..so i wasn't surprised
i always felt bad after ...
but i just wondered

will it make u happy or anyone happy to just reveal all my saddness inside me !!!
not because i can control my feelings better than anyone else ..that means i don't care
if only they knew if i open up my heart ..they might die of the sadness & worries  inside it
it kills me ...i was worried like hell ,,i was afraid like hell ..i hate myself every time results appears.. i'm angry and very sad ..i have dreams too :\
but i never show it ..coz it kills me & i don't have to kill others with me
i've lied to myself thousand & thousand of times ..to get through my worst days & pains
to stand again and keep going ..
if i didn't help myself , no one will ..
if i let myself to collapse ..i wasn't going to get up again
i'm protecting myself with that shell
u want to be like me ..okay be like me ..take my degrees ,,my sorrows my worries ..my care
but can u live this way !!
i want to be like u all too ..not to care about anything or anyone ..just to care about studies only ..maybe then i'd be someone else ..someone u won't annoy by ur words..
i wanted to get better degrees for my last years too ..more than anyone ..
but this is how i ended ...this is my fate ...i'm accepting it ..
ِالحمدلله على كل شئ

reailty is ..no one ever cares about ur pain ..they just notice the happiness and try to steal it ,or to ruin it ..
they never know that the key of happiness is within themselves ..not in others
we all have our own pain ..circumstances.. just leave others in peace ..
u never know how they are suffering ..if u see someone smiling someday
pray that Allah keep their smiles & happiness forever
it is just that easy

after i heard this and many other situations happens today ..i was laughing & having fun with friends like there is nothing ..
once we left each other ..i got drown in this sadness & thoughts
i cried for the 1st time over this ..cried ..want to cry ..still........
seem this bad moods don't wanna me to be in peace ..
i will let every feeling to take it's own time
i;m giving up
i won't try to fight anything
 it's just a headache ..

لقد وقعت فى الفخ :\

i failed this time :\
لما الواحد يبقى مخطط حاجة وظبط نفسه ع حاجة معينة ..يقوم يجى حد يبوظ كل حاجة :@:@
طب والمخطط والافكار والوقت والطاقة اللى ضيعته فى التفكير ده

ياااااااااااااااااااارب مليش غيرك 

احتاااااااج مفاجأة تأخذ منى كل هذا الملل -_-

 

sakebu , Mitsukete

i scream
Find me
this 2 songs from anime *Kokoro connect* heart connect :)

it's tiring O.o

it happened so quickly than i thought ...
after i've finally decided to getting back my Inner peace
which it seem i can't have it ...
i needed time to breathe alone ..to find myself
to finish many things i want ..
it seem this can't be ..some mind peace please !!
hopefully ..i could get out of this .. no matter how hard for me to think properly these days
but Alhamdulilah ..i managed to think well :)
and i was able to give myself a chance for more months
Although this is nothing compared to what i ever wanted or i dreamt of
but i didn't feel bad ... they were happy for the news ..so i couldn't be so harsh
and i don't plan too for giving up my dreams
i don't like to lose something for another ..
i'm more likely to win and keep all the things i want together
but this will take much power...to think to get all people together
just being smart .. to solve whatever ..i need this
smartly i solved it ...but it's just for few months ..maybe 1 ..maybe 2 ..maybe less ..
i don't know & don't wish to know  ...because everything will happen in its perfect time
all i need is time ...coz now i'm just at my weakest ever
my emotions not stable ..more importantly ..i don't wanna make a decision that i'll regret later
so i'm giving myself the chance to get myself together and be stronger
then i won't have much suffering in future ..and with Allah help ..i'll make the right decisions

i admit it i wanted it so badly to meet new people ..to have action in my life
but seriously this is because i'm sick of everything ..need something new
but i can't now ..i don't want to get involved in something ..maybe not true ..not the right
i need to have my own space for now...till i be a better version of myself
i'm not ready yet ..that's it

so this new person ..1st meeting is when he comes back from abroad
don't know when ..and it's good to not know ..

"till he comes ..we will meet then ..from now till that date ..i will just be me , live my life..i'm tired , having enough ..i don't want to be attached to anyone or anything right now..and also for him ..time is precious  to be wasted with wrong people..and there is a high degree this is not the right one for me ..i need this time for myself ..no introducing to each other through any communication  or by anyway ..just till he comes..then i may start  thinking of this matter , accepting or refusing ..depending on the meeting ..& many more
through this period if i meet someone and i really liked him ..so i will accept this one ...so no promises ...let blind dates just be blind " i said

need time
so i can feel free and think widely ..deeply ..improve myself ..& to get to know myself more
to know whats important to me ..what i can give up ..&what i can't ...what i can accept ..what i can't
it's not easy at all :|
this is growing up..
i wish i was little ..my life would be soo simple :]
i just don't want to waste time ..i don't want to get drown in bad feelings of over thinking
so this time i;m letting everything ..to take it's own right way & path ..

ya Allah please Guide me , show me right from wrong...choose for me what's good for me
ya Allah u know better than anyone , u know me better than anyone ., what i can stand , what i can't
please help me :)
ya Allah if he is not my soulmate ..if he isn't the one ..please send him away
ya Allah give my real soulmate strength to show up soon b4 anyone else
Amiin
ياااااااااااااااااااااااارب
 

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh ^^

i was trying to use templates from net
and i've found something interesting ^^
i like it :)
i put it in my other blog..coz this is the 1st time to use a template like this
i really like it ^^
it's a Bleach *anime* Template
http://dedicated-thoughts.blogspot.com/

قرار :)

week ended ..so i had to make this decision and say it :)
it was a bout FB..
since i hate FB ..and it's really Fake ..just Fake world :)
& not wanting to waste a lot of time there
so i decided not to deactivate it ..i'll just do something else
and it needs more strength ...
i'm leaving my account ..not closing it ..
anyway it's important for college stuff ..
so i'll gradually ..not using it for too long..
just in important matters
Our Real Life is what really matters.. i want to spend it on useful activities
i need much time for many things in my life..the important things
so i won't log in there much ..
:)
till i do all i want ...finish all the works needed
to achieve my goal...just to be the person i want ..
till i become this ..then i'll think again :)
i will have much time for you my blog ..i think u need some changes ..
as i'm going to spend more time here :)
some peace , inner peace ..^^
i really need to get this things back :)

Today i was feeling i'm like a little kid ..the whole day :)
don't know why ..:)
 

حاجة غريبة *بين واقعى وخيالى * was confused

هذا ما حدث منذ اكثر من سنة ..الاحداث ليست حقيقة تماما فقد اضفت اليها لمسة خيالية ...
 مع اختلاط الواقع والخيال حتى اصبحوا شيئا واحدا واصبحت لا ادرى ما هى الحقيقة
وماهو الحلم ؟ وماذا اذا كان كل ذلك مجرد احلام ولم تكن يوما واقعا .. هذه هى قصتى
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
اقضى دوما وقتى وحيدة ..برغم انى احب ان يتواجد حولى الكثير من الناس ولكنى احب الجلوس وحدي ..افكر ..اسرح بخيالى بعيدا .. ولكنى لم اكن سأصل بعد لما توصلت له اليوم ..المصاعب بدأت شيئا فشيئا منذ عامى الاول فى مدنى
كنت سعيدة فى البداية ..احضر واحل كل شئ دافعى قوى جدا اذاكر اجتهد افعل كل شئ وكانت ارادتى قوية جدا
ولكن هذا لم يستمر كثيرا ..كان لبضعه شهور فقط :((
اتذكر المرة الاولى التى كرهتنى فى نفسى وفى حياتى
حينما ظل احدهم يطاردنى ع هاتفى ..عشت فترة صعبة فى اواخر 2009
واضطررت لتغير رقمى ومجددا عاد الامر ..لا احب المشاكل لا احب التعقيدات
فقط اريد ان اعيش فى سلام ..ولكن يبدو ان لا احد يفهم ..اصبحت اكره الدراسة ..اكره الكلية
اكره الحضور ..اريد الهروب ..لا اريد ان اكون وسط هؤلاء الناس
كنت منزعجة جدا وتوفى فى اول عام 2010 احد اساتذتى من المدرسة
فكرت وقتها وكتبت * اسفه معلمى لقد كنت مشغولة حقا لدرجة اننى لم امتلك الوقت لابكى او احزن جيدا لاجلك* ولكنى كنت اعانى ..كانت بدايات انغلاقى ع نفسى ..لا ادرى ماذا حدث لم اعد اتكلم كثيرا لم اعد اضحك كثيرا كما كنت
بل اتجهت الى الصمت ..كرهت نفسى اصبحت اخاف ان افعل شيئا بدون ان الاحظ قد  يؤثر ع اى شخص
لذا توقفت عن كون نفسى واصبحت شخصا اخر لاننى لا اريد ان أتألم لتألم احد او ان ارى احدا يتألم
ولكنى ضاع وقت من تفكيرى فى كيف سأتصرف اذا ظهر ذلك المريض امامى !!
شعرت اننى لن اعيش جيدا للاربعة اعوام القادمين ..هؤلاء سيظلوا فى ازعاجى للابد
اكرههم بقدر ما كرهونى فى نفسى
وتمت المواجهه وشعرت بانى افضل قليلا وبعدها حزنت مجددا ..وانتهى العام الدراسى
وكان اخر عام احصل فيه ع درجات عالية لا اظن اننى افعلها الان
عندما كنت اتعدى الامر اعيش حياتى ذهبت للتدريب شعرت بنفس جديد حياة جديدة واننى سأبداأ جديدا بعد هذا العام العصيب
ولكن عاد الامر مجددا وظهر شخصا اخر وكرهت نفسى مجددا ..
هذه النوعية التى تجعلك تحتقر نفسك وتكرهها ....افتقدت حياتى لونها
بكم الاشخاص الذين رفضتهم ..شعرت بالالم لذلك ولكن الامر ليس بيدى
حتى حدث اكبر حدث اثر فى حياتى وغيرنى للابد
قبل رمضان بيوم توفت خالتى فى شهر اغسطس 2010
هنا توقفت حياتى ..توقفت الالوان ..وصلت لاعلى نقطة اكتئاب وصلتها يوما فى حياتى حينها
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
انشأت مدونتى ..لاخرج كل ما بداخلى ..اكتب واكتب ولا اريد اى شيئا مجرد انا اكتب لارتاح
لا اتذكر نفسى فى هذا الوقت جيدا غير اننى كنت فى اسوأ حالاتى ع الاطلاق ..
دخلت العام الدراسى ولم اهتم باى شئ ..لم اعد انا ولا عندى اى رغبة فى التعليم ..مذاكرة حضور ..او اى شئ
قامت الثورة ..سعدت للغاية كما لم اسعد من قبل ..ولكن سرعان ما بدأت ارجع شيئا فشيئا مجددا .. فى اقل من شهر
تدريجيا ع مرور الشهور ..اصبح الامر اصعب اكتئب واحزن اكتر واكتر
من كل شئ ..فكانت اختى كانت تمت خطوبتها ..فكنت اشعر بالوحدة اكثر
فاكتأبت اكثر واكثر كنت افكر كثيرا ليلا نهارا ..صارعت كثير على مدى شهور الاجازه
كل شئ كان سيئا اسودا ..عدت للاسود ..كرهت الاجازه الكبيرة بكل ما يتحمله قلبى
اصبحت اخاف من الانترنت ..اخاف من كتابة البوستات
اخشى من كل شئ ..اختفيت ..اخاف نعم خائفة ..وصلت لدرجة اكتئاب اعلى من التى كانت قبلها بسنة
قضيت ثانى اسوأ رمضان فى حياتى .. كنت انتظر الرحلة المصيف بعد رمضان بفارغ الصبر
اخر رحلة لنا كلنا كعائلة لان كان العام القادم ستتزوج اختى ..
هذه الرحلة افادتنى كثيرا ..انتهت بعيد مولدى ..وفيها بعد تفكير عميق ع مر الايام ..تخلصت وعالجت نفسى
وفى طريق العودة كان دوما لدي هذا الايمان فى داخلى ..ان هذه الرحلة هى مرحلة التغيير الكبرى فى حياتى
اشعر اننى تركت شيئا هناك وعدت ..لا ادرى ماهو ولكنى تركت شيئا هناك فى تلك الرحلة
وعدت بدون ذلك الشئ ..اظننى تخلصت من اكبر مخاوفى واكبر احزانى
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
كان عيد مولدى ال20 برغم ماكنت احمله من حزن استمر معى سنواات ..ولكنه كان مميزا
كدت ابكى للوقت الذى اضعته ..فكرت كثيرا فى الاعوام التى اضعتها ولم افعل شيئا جيدا
بعدها بايام ذهبت مع اختى للكلية لاستلام شهاده التخرج
  لا ادرى فى المرة الاولى ام الثانية ولكنى اتذكر انه كان فى منتصف  سبتمبر 2011
ذهبت مع صديقة اختى لتسأل احد الدكاترة التى طالما غنى الطلاب باسمهم فى اغانى التخرج
كنت فى بدايات خروجى من تلك الحالة السوداء
اخيرا سنحت لى الفرصة لمقابلة هذا الرجل الذى اثار جنون الطلبة دوما
كنت ابتسم واضحك ..لم استطع تمالك نفسى
لا ادرى فى وقتها هل كان ذلك حقيقا ام كان مجرد ضحك لتغلب على صوت تحطمى والالامى بداخلى
حتى ظهر *هذا الشخص* من اللامكان ..صوته اخترق اصوات الجميع وسادت لحظة من الصمت
لن انكر اننى ومن الوهلة الاولى .. ابتسمت لاننى كنت اظن اننى اعرف *هذا الشخص* منذ زمن ولكننى لا ادرى اين قابلته
ولكننى اعرفه ..ظلت تلك هى الفكرة المسيطرة على بالى ..ولم اتوقف عن الضحك الصامت لما يقال ..وكانت لاول مرة
ضحكت من اعماق قلبى منذ فترة طويلة .. ويكأننى كنت اضحك على اقل الاشياء اضحاكا ..لاننى اردت ان اتغير حقا
حتى تحدث بشيئ بعدها صمت ..تغير لونى ..تأكدت انه شخص لا اعرفه ..ولم اقابله من قبل
ولكننى تساءلت لما شعرت بذلك الاحساس فى البداية ..هذا اثار غضبى فى البداية  ولكن عند خروجنا من الغرفة
كنت سارحة فى افكارى لدرجة اننى لم اكن استمع جيدا لما تقوله لى صديقتى
حتى اننا ولاول مرة نظرت خلفى لمدة طويلة افكر بشكل ملحوظ
ولكنى انتبانى شعور ما ..ان هذا العام سيكون مختلفا كثيرا عما قبله .. *هذا الشخص اشعر وكأن سيكون له مكانا فى حياتى* مؤثرا
قليلا او كثيرا لايهم ..كشعور من اتى فقط لاجلك ..لاجل انقاذك مما انت فيه ..
مرت الايام وكنت انتظر العام بفارغ الصبر حتى استطيع تأكييد تغيرى للافضل واننى لن استسلم كالعام الماضى ..واننى سأكون افضل .. وسأكون طالبة افضل مما ذى قبل
ولكن يبدو ان الدروس التى يجب ان اتعلمها لم تنتهى بعد
مررت بلحظات اسوأ هذا لان فقط اهتماماتى ومتابعتى كانت فى السياسة لذلك تألمت بشده فى شهر 11 و12 فى الاحداث
كنت غاضبة لاكثر الوقت .. ولكن *هذا الشخص * كان الشئ الغامض الذى لا افهمه
لم اهتم بالدراسة لم افى بوعدى مع نفسى ..فشلت فى ذلك ..انتهى بى الامر اعانى اكثر
كرهت من حولى ..كنت اعيش اكثر حالاتى عصيبة .. لكننى ظللت اذكر نفسى انه يجب ان اتغير
ان اصبح افضل ..كانت هذه الفكرة الدائمة فى فكرى ولكن كان هناك من يساعدنى عن بعد
دون ان يعرف ..انه هذا الشخص
  *هذا الشخص*
يملك *روحا ضائعة * تائهة فاقد وجهته ..ولكنى دوما برغم انى فى لحظات كثيرة كنت اقرأه
ولكنى لا افهمه ..اشعر وكأنه دوما لديه ما يريد قوله  ولكنه لا يستطيع قوله
احاديثنا لم تتعد بضعة مرات .. ولكنى من كثرة تفكيرى والضجة فى عقلى ..لم اكن اجاوب جيدا
لولا وجوده ..وغموض فى البداية عن ماذا يكون هذا الشخص بالنسبة لى ؟ ماهى وظيفته فى حياتى؟
ادركتها ..انه كان هنا لالهائى حتى لا اسقط فريسة الاكتئاب مرة اخرى لما اراه فى البلد
لا احبه ..لا اكرهه ..لا افهمه لذا لا شئ محددا
كشئ لا معرف
ولكنه كان يأتى فى احلامى من الاونة للاخرى ..يحمل رسالة او خبرا ..
لا ادرى طالما شعرت ان هذه الاشياء حقيقية ..
برغم اننا قد لانتقابل بالاسابيع ..الا ان هناك رابط خفى لا ادري ماهو
وصلت الذروة وتحطمى فى شهر فبراير 2012 بعد مذبحة بورسعيد
وصلت لاعلى معدلات الهروب ..فدفنت نفسى فى احدى الالعاب حتى لا اشعر
لا اريد شيئا .. كأنك قتلت القتلة الكبرى ..
لم اذهب للكلية فى اول 3 اسابيع من الترم الثانى
فقدت رغبيتى نهاائيااااا للتعليم ..
ولكن بعد فترة من الهدوء ووصولا لشهر مايو كنت افكر فى حلم واحد
ولكثرة فضولى الغير معتاد لاشخاص معينين
انا لا افهم ما هذا الشخص ؟ واريد ان ارتاح ..لذا فكرت فى ان الحلم الذى يأتينى من الحين للاخر
سأحققه .. وحققته فى اخر يوم من شهر 5
حدث كالحلم فعلا *هذا الشخص* اصبح اقرب الى من اى وقت مضى
وضعته فى قائمة اصدقائى .. لذا كان من السهل ان يبقى قريبا
وانا سأرتاح فلا افكر .. واتابع احلامى ببطء
مع بداية شهر 6 ..تغيرت بالكامل ..اصبحت اشعر بهدوء غير مسبوق
هدوء روحى ..لا اتعصب ..لا اتضايق ..لم اعد اتابع السياسة او اتكلم بها
فقط كنت انا واحلامى وارتبها .. بكل الشهور التى مرت كنت اخطط لاننى لن اضيع يوما من حياتى
يكفى ما اضعته ..اخشى ان اموت يوما من غير تحقيق ما اردته يوما
او تحقيق شيئا جيدا
مع الاشهر السابقة تطورت كثيراا حتى وصلت لنقطة ..ما اريده سأفعله
لا يوجد الكثير من الوقت ..الوقت المتبقى قليل جدا ..
لا خوف ..سأواجه مخاوفى ..من اريدهم فى حياتى سأدخلهم ..من لا اريدهم سأبتعد عنهم
العمر قصير جدا لان امتنع عن شئ اريد فعله ..
مع وصولى لقمة السلام النفسى الداخلى .. طاردتنى الاحلام
شيئا جديدا فى حياتى ..اصبحت ارى اشياءا قبل حدوثها
وبكثرة ..هذا الامر تعودته فقط من اختى
واحيانا بعض اصدقائى ..ولكن هذه المرة كان *هذا الشخص* لا ادرى ما هذا
ولكن الله وحده يعلم ..ان كل ما قاله لى كل ما رأيته يفعله
قد حدث بعدها ..لم احدث احدا الا اقرب صديقاتى ..لم اشعر بأننى اجن او شئ
ولكنى شعرت بأنه شيئا اعتياديا .. احلم الحلم ثم اراه يتحقق

ببساطه
*هذا الشخص*
الذى جاء من اللامكان كهدية من السماء
الذى جاء كنفس جديد ومختلف فى حياتى
اعلم عنه اكثر مما قد يعرف هو عن نفسه
اعرف لونه المفضل وجبته المفضلة
الاماكن التى ذهب اليها ..حتى تغير صورته
ما يكرهه فى نفسه ..ما يسوء شخصيته
اخبرنى بكل هذا .. اعلم الكثير لدرجة اننا حتى
واننا لا نتكلم ولكنى اعرفه
اعرف ما يفكر به ..افهم نواياه قبل التحدث وفى حديثه
فجأة اصبح شخصا قادره ع قرأته بوضوح
ما يعانيه ويؤلمه اعرفه
الهمنى لكتابة قصتى الاولى بعد لقاءنا الاول
اكتشفت اشياءا جديدة فى نفسى
........
ظلت الاحلام تطاردنى منذ شهر 7 وكانت يوميا
او اسبوعيا وكنت ارى بعدها يحدث ما فى الحلم
او يحدث شيئا يؤكد لى ما رأيته
تساءلت كثيرا لما هو بالتحديد
ولكن كل ما اعرفه ان هذا الشخص لديه الفضل
فى ايقاظ تلك القدرات الخفية التى اصبحت املكها
كنت املكها ولكنها اصبحت اقوى
مما رأيته اصبحت اتصفح كثيرا واقرأ كثيرا عن تلك الظواهر
من كثرة احلامى خلقت لى عالما جديدا ..
ألهتنى جدا وكانت تجعلنى فى مزاج جيد
كنت افضل ما يكون واستطعت الوصول للعديد مما اريد الوصول اليه وفعله
ولكننى مللت من ذلك ومنذ 9 الماضى وانا احاول التخلص من هذا الاتصال الغريب
ولكننى كل مرة احاول الانتهاء من الامر يحدث شئ ولا استطيع
اعود اقول يمكن هناك شيئا اخر يجب ان اتوصل اليه
 واستمريت هكذا حتى انتهت احلامى باواخر 11 ..انتهت للابد تلك الاحلام الحقيقة
برغم اننى كنت اريدها ان تنتهى لانها كانت تعذبنى بقدر ما كنت اتعلم اشياءا
ولكننى كنت اريد ان اتخلص من ذلك الرابط ..
بعدها اصبحت شخص جرئ ..لا اخاف ..تطورت واصبحت نسخة افضل منى
اصبحت اقول واتحدث بكل ما اريده بلا خوف :)
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ما حياتنا الا محطات نمر بها ..يدخل اشخاص ويخرج اشخاص ..هناك اشخاص يأتوا ليقضوا وقتا ويذهبوا
لذا لا يجدر بنا ان نتعلق باحد بشده ..لان هناك من لهم وقت معين فى حياتنا سنتعلم شيئا فشيئا
لاننا يجب ان نتوصل لحقائق مهمة كثيرة فى هذه الحياة ..ان ننمو معرفيا وروحيا وادراكيا
من كل النواحى يجب ان تنمو وننضج ونتعلم العديد .. هذه الفترة كانت الافضل لى لاننى اتعلمت فيها اسرع من اى وقت مضى
لا ادرى اذا لم يكن لهذا الشخص دورا
واننى كنت سأمشى فى هذا الطريق وحدى كتطور نفسى طبيعى
ولكن هو ساعد بطريقه او باخرى ..حتى بمجرد ظهوره فى فترة تحولى الكبرى
لذا اشعر بالامتنان والشكر له لاشياء عديدة
وكأننى استعرت طاقاته واستخدمتها ..واعتقد انه استفاد بالمثل
لذا فكرت ان انهاء هذا الخيال كان افضل شئ للعودة والتحرر من ذلك ولاكمال مسيرة الحياة
من اجل الكثير من التطور ومن اجل ان نصبح الشخص الذى يجب ان نكونه فى النهاية
فى رحلة الحياة هذه .. السعاده والحزن كلاهما يعلمانا اشياء كثيرة عن الاشخاص والحياة عامة
تجعلنا اشخاص اقوى ..قادرين ع مواجهه اشياء عديدة
برغم ان هناك اشياء كثيرة لم تكن تعجبنى رأيتها فى هذا الشخص
الا اننى لم استطع كرهه يوما ما حتى لو حاولت بكل ما فى
لذا كانت هناك وقت هدوء
حتى منذ شهر تقريبا عاد لى الامر مجددا ..ولكن ليس كاحلام
ولكن كافكار فجائية وانا متيقظة ..اشياء تحدث فى نفس الوقت
كشخص يفكر ويرى معك نفس الفكرة فى نفس الوقت
تشعر بنفس الشعور فى نفس الوقت
ولكن كان يصاحبها احلام ولكن ليست كثيرة
احلام قليلة ولكن افكار متشاركة كثيرة
امر متعب ..يهدر الطاقة اكثر من الاحلام نفسها
لم اعد اتفاجئ عندما ارى كل شئ يحدث امامى بعدها
شعرت اننى لن اتحرر من ذلك ..استمر الامر وبشده فى اوقات عديدة ..قرأت اكثر
وتأكدت ان الامر لا يحدث لفرد فقط من طرف واحد ..بل لتحدث هذه الظواهر التى تحدث حقا
يجب ان يكون الشخص الاخر يحدث له نفس الاشياء
لذا استوعبت اشياء كثيرة حينها وادركت اننى لم اكن كما اظن اننى فقط من اعانى
وان طاقتى مهدرة دائما واننى وحدى من اقدم المساعدة من طرفى
بل يبدو ان من الناحية الاخرى كان يقدم لى نفس الشئ
لذا شعرت بالامتنان اكثر ولكن هذا اعطانى دافع اكثر لاوقف هذا مرة اخرى
فلو تحملت انا المعاناة ..لن اسمح لنفسى ان يعانى شخصا اخر
حان الوقت ان اعتمد على قوتى الخاصة وطاقاتى الخاصة وان اتوقف عن ذلك
الان وللابد
مر 3 ايام من1 وقفت هذا الاتصال الفكرى
وقفته
لاسباب عده .. لا ادرى قد ارتبط قريبا بشخص ما ..لذا يجب انهاء كل ما لم يتم انهاؤه
 من اجل كل واحد
 ..
كما تجاهلنى فى الحياة الافتراضية
قررت تجاهله فى الواقع
هو يريد ان يعيش فى الخيال
وانا لا اارضى بأقل من الواقع
لست انا من اصنع مكانات الاشخاص بالنسبة لى
فكل شخص يصنع مكانته بنفسه عندى
اذا اخترت لنفسك ان تكون فى المرتبه الثانية فهكذا ستبقى
فى النهاية كل شخص هو من يصنع مكانته لدى الاخرين
---------------------------
منذ اوقفت كل وسائل الاتصالات المختلفة .. بالقدر الذى اشعر انى مفرغة تماما
الا اننى لن اتراجع .. لا يوجد وقت لذلك
كلما انهيت الامر اسرع كان افضل ..لانه قد يأخد وقتا طويلا
فقط لمساعدة نفسى ونفسه
سأخلصه من طاقاتى المتعبة ..
وسأخلص نفسى واتبع مسيرتى بطريقى الخاص من الان
ليس لانى اكرهه ..انا لا اكرهه ..ولكن هذا ما يجب عليا فعله 
فانا استيقظت منذ شهر 9 الماضى .. استيقظت بعد عامين اخيرا
لادرك ان ضاع منى عامان من عمرى دون ان اعرف شئ
ضاعوا فى الحزن والاكتئاب
لذا لا اريد تضييع المزيد
برغم اننى احتاج الى مساعدة
ولكن لا يمكن لنا ان نطلبها من الاخرين
لذا يجب ان نساعد انفسنا بانفسنا
يجب ان استرجع نفسى ..
لذا منذ بداية هذا العام وانا اشعر وكأنى فى الترم التانى 1 مدنى
كأنى عدت للفترة التى فقدت فيها نفسى ..
شكرا لكل من ساعدنى يوما ..شكرا لمن ايقظنى
شكرا لاخر محطة فى حياتى والتى كانت لها التأثير الاكبر بشتى الطرق
اشعر بامتنان وبشكر كبير
الان يمكننى التخلى عن هذا الخيال وهذه الاحلام ..
والتى شكلت العام ونصف الاخرين من حياتى
شكرا جدا لان تلك الاحلام انقذتنى من السقوط تماما
حتى لو مجرد احلام وليست حقيقة
يكفى انها اسعدتنى يوما :)
حتى لو *هذا الشخص* لن يقرأ هذا الكلام يوما
او يعرفه لايهم .. فقط هكذا اشعر انى مرتاحه
------------------------------------------------------------
الان اشعر بالتحرر الكامل ..وحان الوقت لانى استرجع نفسى واسترجع حياتى
استرجع واقعى بعيدا عن عالم الاحلام والخيالات
قررت ان افوق تماما من كل الاوهام
وتوصلت لعده اشياء هامة
ولكن ما يهم هو اننى اصبحت افضل مما كنت عليه الامس
من الممكن بسبب كئابتى اليومين الماضيين نتيجة اعاقة الاتصال العقلى ..
ولكن تغلبت عليه :)
فى هذه الحياة الكبيرة دروسا كثيرة قد لا نعيها اكثر الا عندما نعيشها بكل حذافيرها
- يجب ان نعلم ان ليس كل الاشخاص الجيدون الذين يظهرون فى حياتنا لن يظلوا معنا للابد ..
فقد يقتصر دورهم ع ظهورهم البسيط فى احدى المواسم فى حياتنا ..فقط لاحداث تغيير
او لتعلمنا شيئا ما ..ولان كل شئ يحدث بسبب
لذا كل ما نحتاجه هو الصبر ..الايمان ..عدم اساءة فهم الاشياء حولنا
اعطاء كل شئ وقته وحقه .. لا نتسرع فى شئ ..
ان ندرك اللحظة المناسبة
ان نفعل كل ما نريد ..حتى لا نندم لاحقا
لست نادمة يوما ع شئ فعلته ..لانه مهما كان فقد ساعد فى تكوينى وكونى الشخص الذى اصبحت عليه اليوم
برغم ان النوم يغلبنى ..الا اننى أأبى انا انام ولم انهى هذا البوست
فقط لانى اريد الانتهاء من ذلك
والا افكر فيه مجددا ..لا اريد المزيد من الخيال والاحلام
اريد واقعا لذلك سأعطى نفسى الفرصة الكاملة لعيش واقعا.. ومواجهه الواقع وفقط
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لم اعد ادرى هل هذه هى الحقيقة ..ام انه حلم عشته فقط فى خيالاتى
من يعلم ماهى الحقيقة من الخيال ..الحلم من الواقع
لا استطيع التفرقة بينهم
اتمنى ان يكون حلما لاحمله دوما ذكرى جميلة
ولكنى احب ان يكون حقيقة ..وان لا تتوقف عند تلك النقطة .......

::::مستنفذه الطاقة انا :::::

شعور لا يوصف ..شعور ليس له شعور ..فلا يجدر ان يسمى شعورا
تشعر انه ميتا هذا الشعور .. لا اشعر بعقلى ولا بنفسى ولا باى ألم ولا بأى شئ ..
لا افتقد احدا ..لا اريد شيئا ..لا اريد ان افعل شيئا ..
لا ادرى ما انا ماذا افعل ..ما مخططاتى ..ما هى افكارى..
ضائعة لدرجة انى اريد البكاء على حالى
اكتشفت انها مرت أيام ولا اعرف اخبارا عن اى شئ
ففكرت من أنا ..ماذا اريد ..ماذا سأفعل ..
لماذا هذا الشعور فجأة .؟ هل اشعر بخيبة أمل؟؟
ام صدمت فى احلامى وواقعى ؟؟ اما اننى فقدت الامل
وابحث عن اخر ضى للنور فى هذا الظلام
ام اننى فقط تعبت وبشده من التظاهر بالقوة
والبحث الدائم عن حلول
من انا ؟؟ لم اعد اعرفنى ..؟ لم يعد هناك شيئا يشبهنى ؟؟
لست انا من اراها ..اصبحت مهملة حقا وبشدة مؤخرا :(
اكره نفسى ربما فى الاونة الاخيرة هذا ما اشعر به
مشاعرى متداخلة لدرجة اننى لا استطيع الفصل بينها ..نعم اعتقد ذلك
كسولة لدرجة لم اكن بها من قبل ..فقط لا ارغب بأى شئ
الوقت يمر ولا ادرى فيما مر وما فعلت وماحدث ؟
فقدت الشعور بكل ماحولى
ولكنى لازلت ادرى ..احتاج وقتا هو الوقت ..لاستعادة نفسى
لاستجماع قوااى مجددا ..لاعود كما انا
لم اعد اضحك ..لم اعد استطيع تحريك شفاهى ..حتى فى هذا اصبحت كسولة
ان اتكلم ..انا ابتسم
 ان اكتب
اريد ان اصرخ وابكى بأعلى صوت ..لاستريح
لا اريد ان استسلم ..لأا اريد الاستسلام ولا انتويه
اريد ان يمر هذا الوقت سريعا ..
اريد ان استجمع افكارى وعقلى
اولا يجب علي ان افهم ما اانا به واعالجه بطريقتى وفى اسرع وقت
يارب ساعدنى ياااااااااااااااااااااااااارب

numb :\

don't know what's wrong with me .. am i weak now or strong?
am i sad or what? ,,i want to cry ...but no tears falls ..
i don't feel anything ..don't feel like i wanna do something ..
i can't think properly .. i have no thoughts.. i feel soo empty inside..
it's been days since i totally gave up ..so it's like
i'm just a dead body ..walking here & there with no feelings ..no thinking ..just nothing
in this past few days ..i was sleeping early even i was sleeping few hours ago
i slept from 11 pm to 12:30 ... i wanted to sleep again ...
but there was some thing urgent ..so i couldn't...

now i'm a wake & can't think at all ..can't get myself together .. seriously feel so lost
even there was a post that i wanted to post a long time ago ..i couldn't even finish it ..and it just left in the draft ..just can't type anymore ..can't think well ..don't want to remember anything
don't want to do anything ...just don't feel like it ..just like i have no power
powerless ..laziness mood...
i didn't want  to be like that .. and i have no intentions to keep it that way
i need something ,,that i don't know what is it ??
i'm just Blank & numb :\

النتيجة :|

ايام قليلة .. وممكن ساعات .. لا ادرى
لم اكن اشعر باى شئ حيال النتيجة .. لست بخائفة او قلقة
لم اكن اشعر باى شعور سيئ او اسود تجاهها !!!
اعلم اننى لا اذاكر .. وعندما اذاكر فانى اذاكر متأخرة فى اليوم قبل الامتحان
واعلم ما الذى فعلته بالظبط فى الامتحان
اعلم ان درجاتى سيئة فى الميدترم ..النصف او اقل من النصف بدرجة
والبعض عديت وقربت من الدرجة النهائية ..
وده انعكس فى الفاينال ..اللى جبت درجات وحشةفيه .. كنت فاهمه كويس وذاكرت وكنت فاكره حاجات كتيير
وفاهمه احسن من اى مرة فى حياتى وداخله الامتحان ولو ان الامتحان مشملش كل الجزئيات اللى كنت اتمنى
انها تيجى عشان ابين انى والله مذاكرة وعارفة الحاجات دى كلها ومذاكراها كويس
لكن دايما لازم يتعكنن ع الواحد وخلاص
والمادة اللى جبت درجة عالية فيها ..امتحاننها كان زبالة وسؤالين ونصف ع حاجة من السنة اللى فاتت
كنت قلت للعيال يفكرونى بيها ع السريع قبل الامتحان ونسيوا
انا عارفة ان ده قدرى سواء مهما عملت مش هيفرق هجيب نفس الدرجات
لانى مش بحل فى امتحانيين متتالين كويس وانا مش معترضة لانى من زمان مش همى ع التقديرات والكلام ده
بس بقى وكنت عادية ومش قلقانة وعادى بس لازم بردو يجى حد يقولك حاجة يعكنن ع الواحد السلام بتاعه
اشاعات كالعادة وانا اصلا الكلام ده بيضايقنى ..كل سنة يقولوا نفس الحاجة
زى يوتروا الواحد وخلاص ..انا هشيل انا هسقط ..انا محلتش ..انا... والكلام الغبى ده كله
:@:@:@
ودرجات المادة كذا وحشة اوي ..ناس كتيير شايله المادة الفلانية
النتيجة مطلعتش عرفتوا منين ولا افتاء وخلاص
ولا احنا فنانيين فى العكننة ع نفسنا ونقرف نفسنا وخلاص
ونقعد نعيش فى حالات ضيق وخنقة
ولما منلاقيش حاجة مزعلانا او مضايقانا ندور ع اللى يزعلنا ويضايقنا
:\\ 
.. فاتضاييقت بقى  والصراحة مش عارفة اخرج من الوضع الحرج
دماغى صدعت من التفكير فى اللى فات
هبقى ابص على منحنى الاداء فى امتحانات الفاينال ..
يمكن يطمن قلبى شوية ولو انه خلاص
انا مؤمنة جداااااااااااااا انها هتعدى ع خير 
ربنا يستر وان شاء الله خير
انا واثقة فى كده ^^

احيانا

من وقت لاخر نحتاج ان نخرج ما بداخلنا ما يشغلنا ..ما يؤلمنا
ما يضايقنا ..ما يتعبنا .. كل شئ بداخلنا
ويسبب لنا المتاعب
يجب علينا ان نخرجه ..نكتبه ..نبكى ..نعترف به ..
نفعل كل ما يمكننا من اجل ان نشعر بالراحة اكثر ..لا ادرى
مهما كان الامر محرجا
لا اعتقد ان هناك امر محرج ..بل كلها امور تحدث من اجل سبب ما
يساعدنا فى الوصول الى انفسنا والقيام بالمهمة التى خلقنا من اجلها
انا لااحب ان تكون هناك عقبات فى طريقى .. احاول دائما ان ابتعد عنها ..او احاربها
فقط لاكمل المسار ..هكذا هى حياتنا .. نواجه هذه الاشياء دوما
لذا فنحن كل ما نتعرض له من مواقف من احداث ..سعيدة حزينة غريبة يصعب تفسيرها
كلها اشياء مهما سببت لنا من مشاعر مختلطة ..
فهى فى النهاية تعلمنا دروسا ..توصلنا للشخص الذى يجب ان نكون عليه
ان نفهم اكتر ونصبح افضل ممما كنا بالامس .. لذا سأقوم باخر اعتراف البوست القادم
اخر ما لدى ..كتمته لفترة وحان وقت تركه ليرحل
هكذا سيكون كل شئ افضل لكل الاشخاص
لكل الناس
ولاننى اريد ان ارتاح من هذا الموضوع الان وللابد
:)

sunday ^^

i haven't slept that day ..i was awake whole night & was like dying ..some coffee
and went to college in a horrible shape :))
arrived late ..but that's not a problem ^^
i made it ^^..well i'm the queen of the last second ..not mintue..
it's a bad thing but i can't help it ^^
today which become yesterday ... i went to IRIS opening event ..at college
it was amazing ..this is the only thing i've done in college that day ..
this made me feel better, i totally forgot about sleeping and i didn't wanted to sleep
i was happy ..it made my day ...although i felt strange ..that i'm not me
this is not college...this is not the world ...
for 3 hours ..it was the best...i'm happy for those people ..they are really amazing
& talented ..wish i was with them ..:)..this younger students ..will make it ..they will do a great things ..they are amazing ^^ 
Allah Bless them :).. it made me happy ..that there are too many good people on earth :)
they exist ..^^

:\\\\

it seem ..that i won't sleep now ..and i won't sleep the few coming hours...
3andy 3 sheets to do ... and still i just studied and if i try to solve it by myself ..
i will hardly finish one .if i even finished it :\\
7aga r5ma enhom lazem yetsalemo el 1 ..msh zai zaman kan el 3 aw 4 ..w kan fe forsa akml fel saba7 ...
time for coffee ..just to survive today ..it's soo bad
i don't want to face this again
i hate myself ..really i do :((
i was soo stuck and busy in work the past few days + my black mood these days ....and haven't done anything for college
thrusday ,friday & saturday  :((
it was all for home works ...:(( and by the end of the day ..i feel tired ..not able to think or do anything ..
malesh nefs ..
want to sleep 
now i'm stuck to the fullest ..and still i'm here typing this ..coz i feel like i want to cry
this is the last chance to do them ...i can't give up now
even if i want to ..i can't let myself ..my stupid sad  me to give up
i know i'm risking my life like this ..and not sleeping ..and hardly feel my head
i'm afraid if something happen tomorrow .. i want to go & come back safetly
i feel much pain ..all over me ...body & soul :\\
it kills me
ya raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab sa3dnyyyyyyyy

life ...signs

no matter how i was looking forward today ..to go & attend this event ..jap,day
i'm not going in the end ..
well many things happened in this few days ..since i made up my mind & said i'm going
really this time
don't know if i'm really afraid to go out
or it just i must not go out
yeah i find it a bit hard to go out .. i don't feel safe anyway
maybe the reason ..
i can't say how many reasons i made up on my mind ..
to prevent myself from going out ^^
like :
1 - mom was sick morning on thrusday ..so..i can't go out ..i  must stay & help her
2- i don't feel like it ..i'm just lazy to go out ..
     lazy to even choose the cloths i'm going to wear :\\
3-i have alot to do ..many cleaning at home ..and a lot of homework for college
    i haven't finished any ...so i don't deserve to have fun
    coz even if i went to this event ..i know i won't enjoy my time
     as i will still feel guilt the whole time,..feel uncomfortable ,,and most  important
    i'll keep feeling unsafe ..& in defensing mode..which will kill all the moments
4 - i'm deeply sad ..and need this things..need to get out of such depression..but still
     i can't be selfish ,,and here comes prioritizes  ,, i should stay home
5 - i'll try to finish all the work ..and keep remembering all the promises i made with my        friends coz it kills me , i said something & didn't do it :\\

so this reasons are really good more than enough , to make me feel better to let go of attending ^^

so i'm staying home & will try to finish as much as i can ..from all this ..
i think this will make me happy ..as others will feel happy so i will be happy too :)
and to feel some peace and rest ..mind peace ^^
yeaaaaaaaaaaah ^^ i feel good about this all plans..
what left is to work ..,,Action ..done with the sayings
maybe this is apart from my bad mood this days :]

but eventually Everything will be perfect :)
i need time ..:)
 

حاجات ملخبطة *ملغبطة*

اكتر ما يزعجنى ..اننى لن اذهب فى الرحلة التى انتظرتها منذ عامين ..وانها أجلت لاجل غير مسمى
كنت ادعو بهذا يوميا ..بان اذهب ..كم كنت احتاج ذلك الان ..فى التوقيت الحالى
برغم اننى لم احزن تماما لاننى توقعت ذلك منذ فترة عندما كان الامل يستمر فى التأجيل التأجيل
كم هو صعب االانتظار ..ان تحلم وتحلم وتنتظر حلمك ليتحقق
ان يتأجل اشياء واشياء ..ولكن فى النهاية خيير ..كل هذا خير
لذلك انا الان لست منزعجة لهذا .. ولا اشعر بأى شئ ..فقط انزعاجى كان قبل معرفة انها ستلغى
لذلك لم انزعج كثيرا عندما حدث ذلك :((
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بفكر جديا فى قفل اكونت الفيس تماما ..لا ادرى ولكنها خاطرة شديدة وردت ع بالى
لا اريد الفيس ..لأا احبه ..لا يمثل لى شيئا ..حتى الاشخاص الذين يهمونى هما جروبى وصديقتى وهى مسحت نفسها
وانا اساعدها حقا فى هذا وادعمها ^^ والاخريات نتحادث هاتفيا
لذا لا اعتقد ان هناك اى هدف او اهمية للفيس عامة ..سأعطى لنفسى فترة اسبوع لافكر
والاخرون لا يهتمون لامرى ولا اعتقد انهم حتى سيلاحظون ..
مالايعلمه الاخرون ان الغاء الاكونت ..شئ جيد حقا من نواحى عديدة
برغم انى قلت اننى لن افعل هذا ابداا مجددداا حتى لا يتألم احد ..ولكن طالما اقابل اصدقائى يوميا لمااذا احتاجه
وانا حقا اكره هذه الحياة الافتراضية ..هى تجعل العديد من الاشياء اسوأ ..وتقضى تماما وشيئا فشيئا على الحياة الطبيعية
الحياة العادية البسيطة ..حين لم يكن النت واقعا يوميا 24 ساعة ..وكان الهاتف فقط ..او الايميل فى الاطمئنان على بعضنا
وكنا نشتاق الى اصدقائنا بحق لاننا لا نتواصل معهم لايام
لكن بوجود كل هذه التكنولوجيا قتلت العديد من المشاعر الجيدة ..تقتل الحب حتى
ولان كل هذه التكنولوجيا تمثل بدائل لبعضها وبدائل عن الواقع ..ولكنها وهم اكبر وهم
فقط توهم الاخرون باشياء بعيدة عن الواقع !!
لذا سأتخلى عن تلك الحياة ..انا اريد واقعا ..اريد ان اعيش ..تعبت وزهقت من اشياء عديدة
من تضييع الوقت ومن اضاعه وقت الاخرين ..حان وقت التغيير حقا
سواء ابقيت على الاكونت او الغيته هذا قرار سأتخذه فى نهاية الاسبوع القادم
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i knew it T_T
Even if there is
a real head connection
In our real life
still...
no one can Find
their other half
it's a bad thing ...jongmal!

6-3-2013
11:23 a.m
i stopped waiting forever
no more waiting for things
to happen...
No more imagining stuff
simply be serious & Give it
all up ..
sayounara

.............

i don't have much to say ..
i wanna say thanks to everyone tried to send me hopes & their positive energy
i'm thankful & grateful for you
but i can't keep living like this..i will only take this energy
& i won't be able to return it back
i want to leave in the black mood day by day
with its all sadness & depression ..cry to the fullest
do all this stuff .. i want to back to my peace..
i know it's  hard ..but i can't help it
i remember.... how i feel now ..is the same like the end of 2010
what really hurt ? ..i really don't why i'm feeling this ?
i believe this all is because of piling up feeling
i don't know what i'm really feeling
i'm just loosing control of myself
i'll cry as much as i want ..
i'll be sad as much as i want
i'll keep silent as much as i want
i'll disappear ..not because i want some one to find me
i know & sure that no one ever will search for me
i just want to find myself ...find me again
all this stuff ..i'll do it till i feel sick of myself ..and get back
in the end i'll feel better ..i'll grow stronger
i'll know many other things i should know
i can be better than ever 
it's all about time ..isn't it ?

i admit it

it's tiring ..i had enough ..i'm sick of all this
i didn;t get this feelings for a long time
maybe last time was a year ago ..since feb,2012 ..UA07 got killed in portsaid
i can't stand it .. i feel tired , sick ..can't breathe
this is killing me ...i ignored alot through thiss whole year ..
it was always hard for me ..now it's even harder
it's just hard ..:(  nothing works for too long :\
can't ignore anymore :'((